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Closet Fascination

A blog about a journey, smoking, not smoking, vaping and everything in between

Month

April 2009

twentynothing.com- my new favorite blog

I don’t normally find random blogs that interesting, but I found this one because for some reason there was a post on her blog related to stuff I talk about here. I’ll say up front the post I am going to link you to is not the one and the post on her blog only related to mine because she talked a bit about smoking. Anyhow- I am absolutely enthralled with her blog.

I came across this– in her “what she on about?” section. And it made me think about the situation I am in now how she is completely right about the honesty thing. It is what many of you have been saying all along, especially Vesperae in her beautifully written piece on her own site.

The following quote really spoke to me in Sall’s (the author of twentynothing.com) blog:

We want to know what makes Them tick in every other area. But we forget about sex. The reason we are Here in the first place.

I have been in a relationship where I didn’t ask questions about Who he was. He had a whole other girlfriend. For months I was devastated, wondering why someone would do that to me. And then I realized, I could have altered the outcome had I bothered to ask some questions.

It would have broken the fantasy. But the reality would have been better.

I never want to be that idiot again, working on assumption that only leads to an incorrect imagination. I want to know everything – the good, the bad, the girlfriend – so that true intimacy can develop. And I want other people to accept people for who they are, for what they did and where they are going. Because intimacy comes from honesty. They are married together long before You and Him [or Her. Or Her and Her. Or Him and Him].
Ignorance is not bliss.
Honesty is.
And if someone can’t handle that, it is Their problem. Not Yours.

Just something I have been thinking about… again when I should be doing my work.

Peace at last?

I pose that as a question, because I know, as with past experience, there will come a time when I will need to explore this side of myself again. Which side you might ask? The smoking side… What has changed is that the two sides of myself are no longer doing battle. They have drawn up a sort of a truce- where neither one is being suppressed. Suppressing the desire, only made me want to smoke more. There is no peace in that. I constantly feared that I would become hopelessly addicted if I yielded to that side of myself, but I know now those fears were unfounded. Sure, I took a chance, I played with fire- but I discovered something about myself that I might have never discovered had I not taken the risk.

I discovered that I am far more enamored with the fantasy of smoking, than I am with actually doing it. I enjoy doing it while I am doing it- but more often than not I end up making myself sick. The problem is- it is fairly unpredictable. It is not like at the beginning where the affects of smoking overwhelmed me and I could sort of tell when I had pushed myself over the edge. Now- I can smoke a whole cigarette, feel perfectly fine and dandy while doing it and almost an hour or half hour later a wave of nausea will hit and bam I’m sick. It is awful, because I can’t predict it at all. At least at the beginning when I would overdo it, I felt it right away. I used to want to conquer smoking, but I have realized that to do so, I have to become a full-fledged smoker. To do that- I have to endure nausea, which is probably one of my most hated feelings in the world.

To cut a long-story short- I always said that if smoking ceased to be pleasurable, I would stop doing it because if I am not getting any pleasure out of it, what is the point? At this point in my life, I am not willing to make the sacrifices needed to become a full-fledged smoker. I’m not going to stop myself from smoking if the want ever arises again. If anything, I have found that just makes me want it more. But for now, I’m not sure I will finish the last 10 cigarettes in my pack. I was thinking of telling my boyfriend about the past few months of smoking and then destroying the remains of the pack together. But as sick as the cigarettes make me, I think I might hang on to this pack as a souvenir of sorts of this time in my life… I think I am almost too emotionally attached to destroy them, but I don’t have much, if any, desire to smoke them either. I’ve pretty much decided that if I smoke again, I want a new pack as this one is far too old.

I have gained so much over the past couple of months-and I want to thank all of you who have contributed. I never thought that giving into my desire would be the answer. Thanks for helping me wade through the various facets of both my desire to smoke and my fetish. This is not really goodbye, as I am sure that I will have more smoking related things to talk about, not to mention I’m not sure the desire to smoke has left me forever. But in some ways, I do feel like I have a bit of closure. So I guess you could say- I have peace… for now.

Caught?

Lying becomes so easy when you do it all the time. It almost becomes a reflex- when it shouldn’t be. I know what I should have said tonight. I knew it two-seconds after the lie left my mouth. Lies. I think that is the worst thing that has come from me smoking. I’m cuddling in bed with my boyfriend and he was like- “you smell like smoke.” Of course if had smoked today or even the day before I might have been a little prepared for it. But I haven’t smoked for two days now and I thought I was wearing a clean sweatshirt. In any case, the sweatshirt I am wearing has been washed- so it just goes to show how deep the smell of smoke seeps in or how bad I am at doing laundry, one of the two. In any case, I’m not sure he bought the lie that left my mouth tonight. He asked me point blank, “Have you been smoking?” and I said no. Which I should have said- “Not recently in that sweatshirt, I’m not sure why washing didn’t remove the smell” (and made a joke about it) or “yes, are you mad that I have been keeping it from you?” He later made a comment/joke about me being his “little covert smoker”- which is why I am pretty sure he is on to me.

In any case, I should tell him. As I should have months ago… for some reason I have this feeling that is going to be more mad about me keeping something from him than his is going to be about the actual smoking. I mean sure he doesn’t want me to smoke for protective, “I want you to live as long as possible reasons”, but I think the betrayal of me lying to him will hurt him more. Really- I deserve what is coming to me. I’ve made my bed and now I have to sleep in it.

And now for some Hawksley Workman… since he sometimes can say things better than I can:

Just Over Half Way…

As of a couple of days ago, I think it would have been either Wednesday or Thursday, I made it through half a pack of cigarettes. It only took me, I don’t know, two and half months. I have 11 left now and there were 25 to begin with. I was going to have one today- but right now I don’t feel like it and honestly, something I have learned through the last 14 cigarettes- no point in smoking when you do not feel like it. The experience is not nearly as good when you aren’t into it. And I find I rush it when I’m not really into it- which tends to make the cigarette even worse. There is nothing worse than a rushed cigarette.

I did this silly Facebook quiz to say what my “true age” was- but I had trouble filling in sort of the categories. The questions on smoking were either: do you smoke more than two packs a day or less than two packs a day or you have quit but it has been less than 5 years or more than 5 years since you quit or you have never smoked. Now I could say that I smoke less than two packs a day- but honestly that puts me in the same category as someone who smokes 20X what I do. I am well aware that any smoking is bad, but seriously- there was no room for any sort of “occasionally” gray area. The drinking question was not much better. You either drink one, two, three, four, five or more, or no drinks a day. Where is the answer for number of drinks in a week? I don’t drink every day, sometimes not even at all during a week. When I do drink it is usually on the weekend.

Anyhow, the reason why I was posting is because I haven’t really decided what I will do when the pack is finished. I think I’m just going to take things as they come. If I want more, I’ll buy more- but if I don’t, no need to spend money on something I that don’t want. I have a feeling that even if I do not want more right away, I will eventually want more and will eventually buy another pack.

Sometimes I find it hard to believe that I have smoked all 14 cigarettes- for most people getting through a pack probably does not represent much of a feat. But considering how long I agonized over the decision, it is a big deal to me. And the world has not imploded like I once thought it would… and the most surprising thing to come from all of this, as I mentioned in my last post, is peace. My mind can finally rest and worry about more important things- like lesson planning, which I actually enjoy doing.

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