Closet Fascination

A blog about a journey, smoking, not smoking, vaping and everything in between


March 2009


I was composing a whole post on making choices and morality, but for some reason it did not feel right to me so I scrapped the whole thing. I found my old journal that actually documents a little of my first experiences with smoking. I thought it was long lost. I was actually once again surprised at how guarded I was in my writing. Maybe I was still scared that someone would find it and read it. Maybe I was scared that writing it down would make things more real.

From even before I bought my first pack, having inhaled maybe about a cigarette’s worth of puff’s off of my friend’s cigarettes I was having thoughts like this:

I don’t know why, but right now I really want a cigarette. From the way I want one, you would never guess that I don’t smoke.

These thoughts perplexed me… even then.

Later, after I had purchased my first pack I actually said the following which I thought was quite profound for an 18 year old:

I live in a world of doublethink- where I think two contradicting thoughts at the same time and believe them both. Smoking is so bad for me, I don’t really like doing it, but at the same time I do. My favourite part has to be watching the smoke come out of my mouth… and it has to be smoke that I have inhaled or it does not look right.

For those of you unfamiliar with the term ‘doublethink’, it comes from George Orwell’s book, 1984 and I have given the most simple definition of it above (bolded part). I remember reading the book and thinking it was a really clever term since it applies to many things in life.

My thoughts regarding smoking often contradict themselves as I noticed many years ago. Although I do not think I hate smoking as much as I did then, perhaps because I’m getting more accustomed to it and perhaps because I have found a brand that I like. But there is still a lot of contradiction going on in my head… although I’m not sure that is it textbook “doublethink” or exactly like what is presented in 1984- but similar.

I’ve deemed this a “smoking week” as I actually have time to indulge and it is getting warmer out. I am getting bolder with my smoking in the sense that I am not as careful as I used to be. Yesterday, I smoked in the backyard shelter as I knew no one would be home for awhile. Today, I “went for tea” which meant I went for a smoke, picked up my tea and headed home right away even though there was a good chance that my roommate would smell it on me. Maybe I want someone to catch me… although I’m not sure what I would say if they did. I like to think I would be bold and say- “so what, it is not like it is illegal?” But I would probably act just like a teenager caught red handed by their parents.

At this point, I don’t feel like I am going to regret my decision to smoke. I’m actually the most at peace I have been for awhile. I never thought I would say that since I always thought that smoking would throw my life into upheaval- but I think, like with everything else in life, there is peace in balance. Maybe it is doublethink at work and I’m now living a life of “controlled insanity”. I’ll take the controlled insanity, if it gives me peace.


The Fast is Over

Not that I was actually fasting… but I smoked today and it was glorious. There is something to be said about above zero (32 F) weather. Much easier to suck the smoke into your lungs when you are not inhaling -10 to -15 °C ( 14  to 5 F) into your lungs. Also nice to not be shivering. Lately, I had not really wanted to smoke much, so I didn’t. I figure no point in doing something unless you actually feel like doing it. I know there is some danger in that, since then I start to associate certain moods, thoughts and cravings with smoking, which increases the likelihood of repeating these actions in the future. That said, I’m not sure I really care anymore. I guess I should tell the story behind this cigarette, since although I was solitary again, I did something I have never done before. I actually smoked in my backyard.

Conditions like what I had tonight will be rare, so do not think that I am going to be sneaking out to my backyard for cigarettes all the time. Two of my roommates were gone for the whole weekend and one went out to the bar. To be perfectly honest- I had kind of a shit day. I got home from having supper at a friends and decided to take a bath because that is generally what I do when I feel like I do today. The bath made me feel a lot better, and when I came out of the bathroom, my roommate and her boyfriend were just finishing off their beers on the way out the door. They informed me that they were off to some bar… and this is when the wheels in my head started turning. I didn’t feel like driving somewhere to smoke and suddenly the opportunity to not leave my own yard presented itself and I simply had to take it. 

I waited for about a half hour before I went. I didn’t want them to come back having forgot something… although now that I think about it, I’m not sure they would have noticed me. I retrieved a cigarette from the hiding place from my car and found an old concentrate juice can to put my ashes in. Not that anyone would go specifically to the place in my yard where I smoked and notice the ashes in the snow- but I’d prefer not to leave a trace. I had forgotten that we moved the picnic table to the sheltered area in my backyard and was pleasantly surprised to find it snow free. Plus- I noticed when I sat down at the table, the place really was sheltered- I could barely see the street or alley. Passers by would probably only see the puffs of smoke coming from me. I took it pretty easy, since I haven’t smoked in almost a month, but found that although I was lightheaded again, I didn’t become nauseous. There was something really enjoyable about smoking right in my own backyard. I’m not sure what it was… 

Kristin Stewart SmokingAnd somewhat unrelated, I thought this post on the Twilight cast (or I guess it would be New Moon cast) smoking caught my eye. It is so funny because if you go to this site and read all the comments at the bottom- they are funny. I’m not sure why everyone is so surprised that all these actors smoke. I mean, it is practically an occupational hazard as an actor. I know they can smoke the fake herbal cigarettes that apparently can taste gross if they want to for movies, but I don’t know- and I’m super biased- but if I am going to suck carcinogenic smoke into my lungs, I might as well have the nicotine too. Plus- people get all worked up and say “teenage girls look up to them, how can they smoke?” Since when are actors and actresses our role models? The last time I checked- if I were to take a page out of Lindsay Lohan’s book I would be in rehab for a coke addiction by now. Granted, society is influenced by them- but they are entertainers, not people to look up to for lessons on how to live life. Just my take, and I will admit I have an extreme bias that sways me toward being okay with it mainly because I love the reaction that people have to it. And for the record- I did not try or start smoking because I saw “Bella” aka Kristin Stewart or “Edward” aka Robert Pattinson light up. I just think they are both incredibly sexy when they do.

rpattzsmokingI feel like I should explain the Twilight thing, since I am clearly not a teenage girl. I got addicted to Twilight this summer. When I say addicted, I mean addicted. Seriously. The books are like crack or heroin. Far more addictive than cigarettes. They should have a giant warning label on them. I spent the better part of one week reading all four books. I think I would have read them faster if it were not for actually having to socialize with people. And when I was done- I re-read them and then got the book tapes and listened to them. The thing is- the books are totally captivating, but complete cheese. Yep- I said it. Cleolinda says it better in her blog when she compares it to a twinkie. You know they are bad for you, but when you want a twinkie, you gotta have a twinkie. The movie kind of made me snap out of it because it really made me realize just how cheesy Twilight is. I really liked the books as great escapist reads, but the movie was pure comedy to me. I think my stomach was sore from laughing so hard. So I kind of can’t wait to see what they do with New Moon- I wonder if the most depressing book in the series can be made into a comedy. I wonder.

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