I’ve been trying to work out how to confess to my significant other that I not only have spent the past week smoking, behind his and everyone elses back but that I have absolutely no desire to stop. I’m forcing myself to stop smoking until I tell him. Why? Because this is the only thing I can think of that will give me sufficient motivation to tell him. I almost told him last night. The conversation was not quite serious enough though and all I got out was that I really like inhaling smoke. I got him to agree to go to a hookah bar with me and it scared me a little that he was even resistant to that. Despite all of the smoking bans, hookah bars are still allowed to have smoking for cultural reasons as long as the shisha is tobacco free. I think this is funny seeing as it is still smoking and undoubtedly just as bad for you, just not addictive. Plus- for the most part I do not think you inhale the smoke… I’ve gone off on a tangent.
Anyhow- now that I am no longer permitting myself to smoke, I want to that much more. The forbidden fruit factor I guess. I mean it was still forbidden when I was doing it, only now it is more forbidden since I am no longer permitting myself to do it. I’m not sure that makes any sense. The past seven days are the longest stretch of continuous smoking I have ever done. Sure I missed two days, but I almost smoked every day last week. It was the first time I actually felt like a smoker. It was the first time that even in my mind I identified myself as such. As odd as it might sound, I even liked the way it made me smell- a smell I previously detested on others. My last cigarette I even postponed washing my hand for as long as I could because I liked occasionally smelling it. Last night, thinking about never doing it again made me really sad. I think that if (or should I say…when?) I give myself permission to indulge at will, I still I have little desire to become a heavy smoker. I enjoy my active lifestyle and will continue to do all the things I did before. This of course will not happen until I tell my boyfriend and I still feel that he is the only one who needs to know about my smoking.
How do I bring this up? Do I take my pack out of my hiding spot in my truck and show him? How do I tell him that although I am a perfectly intelligent, normally rational personal, I have this one desire that is not based in reason? I consider myself to be a perfectly intelligent human being. How do I explain to him that in my mind, the benefits outweigh the risks when he only see it as being self-destructive? I mean it took me a long time to come to terms with the fact that I have this desire to something that I know is bad for me and that part of the reason I enjoy doing it so much is because it is bad for me. The other side of why I want to do it has to with my sexuality and how smoking has somehow, even without me actively doing it has become intrinsically tied to my sexual being. I was reading my earlier blog posts and never when I started this blog in November would I have thought that this is where my journey would take me. I feel so much less repressed now and I feel like “coming out” or coming completely clean about my desire and intent to smoke to my boyfriend is the last step. I think the reason why I am so hesitant is because I am scared it will destroy the relationship. Maybe it will be destroyed because I have not been completely honest. Almost more scary for me- I’m scared he will reject me because of it and I think that it is such a big deal because of what it means to me. Smoking is not just smoking for me. It is not about the nicotine, although I do enjoy the effects. I can tell there is no physical draw for me yet, at least not from nicotine. If it was about the nicotine, I could go out and buy myself some gum or lozenges or even smokeless tobacco. Starting smoking for me is probably as big of a deal for me as quitting smoking is to people.
As crazy as it may sound, I think that my desire to smoke and by extension any smoking I do are part of who I am. And I guess I am scared of having this side of my personality revealed and potentially rejected. Although I have been hiding the fetish from my significant other for almost four years now, it is only in the past six months that I have really come to terms with actually having the fetish and what that means.
I’m still not sure how I am going to tell him, I only know that must tell him because of what smoking means to me. I feel like everytime I smoke, it is like I am cheating on him with my other lover since in many ways, smoking is my other lover. I really do not want to have to pick between the two which I think is why I am so hesitant to talk to him about it. But I cannot keep sneaking around like this. The guilt of that will kill me quicker than any of the poisons I willfully inhale.