With my recent experimentation with smoking, I realized a few things that I had not before.
First, I’m definitely attracted to smoking because of the “badness” factor. By badness I do not just mean image but also the fact that it is bad for you. I had sort of figured this before, but really felt it last night. I’m not sure exactly what made me realize it. Probably because a felt a little phlegmier than usual. There is no way I could isolate that directly to the smoking, but in my mind that is what I thought it was. I noticed during my last cigarette- I actually kind of liked the fact that my hand smelled like smoke. I like how easy (well partially easy at least ;)) it is to do something that is so destructive. Maybe not immediately destructive, but cumulatively. I don’t know it is something that I never truly identified with until just recently.
Another slightly unanticipated effect of smoking more than before (which is still very light- but more than once a week or month) is that there are actually times now when I do not want to smoke. I find this interesting because I do like smoking and I like the effects it has on me and I always thought that the more I did it the more I would want to but this really is not the case. I’ve decided that I don’t want to quit which still seems like a silly thing to say probably because it is like saying- I do not want to quit my 3 or 4 time a week Tim Horton’s steeped tea habit. My smoking, right now, is by no means habitual and I really do have to be in the mood to want to or enjoy it. I’m sure that changes over time, but I guess I was always under the false impression that I would fall really hard for cigarettes and that they would have some sort of death grip on me and I would no longer be able to control myself. This has not been the case. I think part of the reason why I might of thought this is because I had such a psychological drive to smoke before I even started that I thought it would only get worse once I started giving in. So far, not so much. I am both surprised and pleased by this…
Third- I have definite triggers to my smoking. Most of my triggers are sexual, but I have noticed that I also tend to want to smoke more when I am tired/sleepy/cannot concentrate. My mind has obviously made the connection that post-smoking I am more energized, less sleepy and can concentrate better. I noticed this particularly yesterday afternoon when I was particularly tired from lack of sleep. My school work has been keeping me up late. If I had time yesterday afternoon, I think I would have gone for a smoke. I would have been the perfect pick me up to fuel the 5 hours of group work I did after that.
I slept really well last night and have had ample opportunity to smoke and have not really taken advantage. Even though I am a bit sleepy, I guess I just don’t feel like it today. I guess this is an odd feeling considering how much I have obsessed over it. On that note, I will head back to my books.