I guess I got a bit carried away on my first cigarette after my few weeks of abstaining and made myself sick. What is awful is I can’t even tell I have gone too far until it is far too late. It is in those moments that I question it all. Why I even have any desire to smoke at all. I question my sanity a little when I start thinking about how even though I have made myself sick I would do it again. Anyone in their right mind would quit trying if they had made themselves sick as many times as I have, but I guess there is this part of me that wants to concur it. It is a dichotomy of walking the line between concurring and yielding.
I didn’t give up though. I decided I would smoke again the next day, but because I had gotten sick the day before, I was so much more tentative. Almost too much so- I didn’t even get the full affect of the cigarette. I mean the effects were still pleasant, but much more subtle and manageable. I had been feeling slightly nauseous and very tired all day and it was amazing the difference that one cigarette made. I didn’t make the connection until I felt much better after smoking. It reminded me of the time that I unknowingly got addicted to green tea and happened to not have any for almost a whole day. I had a splitting headache and I couldn’t study so I decided to grab a green tea. My headache seemed to melt away.
I wanted to again yesterday but didn’t. I even made plans to, but decided against it. Actually- part of the reason was that I ended up taking an afternoon nap which is somewhat uncommon for me.
I’m still pretty conflicted. Part of me wants to experiment with smoking at least on a once daily basis for a bit and the other part of me refuses to even consider it. That is the part of me that was a bit too happy when I made myself sick again. I plotted to smoke again this morning- but it is far too cold outside for it to be enjoyable. So I have scrapped that plan as well. Also, I think if I do plan on taking the plunge with experimenting with a cigarette a day- I will need to tell my boyfriend before I do. I think the stress and guilt of keeping it from him would eventually eat away at me. And right now- I’m not sure how I will tell him.
But, my pile of work awaits me… maybe I’ll write more on this later. Until next time…