Closet Fascination

A blog about a journey, smoking, not smoking, vaping and everything in between


February 2009

The Need to Confess… Part Two

I’ve been trying to work out how to confess to my significant other that I not only have spent the past week smoking, behind his and everyone elses back but that I have absolutely no desire to stop. I’m forcing myself to stop smoking until I tell him. Why? Because this is the only thing I can think of that will give me sufficient motivation to tell him. I almost told him last night. The conversation was not quite serious enough though  and all I got out was that I really like inhaling smoke. I got him to agree to go to a hookah bar with me and it scared me a little that he was even resistant to that. Despite all of the smoking bans, hookah bars are still allowed to have smoking for cultural reasons as long as the shisha is tobacco free. I think this is funny seeing as it is still smoking and undoubtedly just as bad for you, just not addictive. Plus- for the most part I do not think you inhale the smoke… I’ve gone off on a tangent.

Anyhow- now that I am no longer permitting myself to smoke, I want to that much more. The forbidden fruit factor I guess. I mean it was still forbidden when I was doing it, only now it is more forbidden since I am no longer permitting myself to do it. I’m not sure that makes any sense. The past seven days are the longest stretch of continuous smoking I have ever done. Sure I missed two days, but I almost smoked every day last week. It was the first time I actually felt like a smoker. It was the first time that even in my mind I identified myself as such.  As odd as it might sound, I even liked the way it made me smell- a smell I previously detested on others. My last cigarette I even postponed washing my hand for as long as I could because I liked occasionally smelling it. Last night, thinking about never doing it again made me really sad. I think that if (or should I say…when?) I give myself permission to indulge at will, I still I have little desire to become a heavy smoker. I enjoy my active lifestyle and will continue to do all the things I did before. This of course will not happen until I tell my boyfriend and I still feel that he is the only one who needs to know about my smoking.

How do I bring this up? Do I take my pack out of my hiding spot in my truck and show him? How do I tell him that although I am a perfectly intelligent, normally rational personal, I have this one desire that is not based in reason? I consider myself to be a perfectly intelligent human being.  How do I explain to him that in my mind, the benefits outweigh the risks when he only see it as being self-destructive? I mean it took me a long time to come to terms with the fact that I have this desire to something that I know is bad for me and that part of the reason I enjoy doing it so much is because it is bad for me. The other side of why I want to do it has to with my sexuality and how smoking has somehow, even without me actively doing it has become intrinsically tied to my sexual being. I was reading my earlier blog posts and never when I started this blog in November would I have thought that this is where my journey would take me. I feel so much less repressed now and I feel like “coming out” or coming completely clean about my desire and intent to smoke to my boyfriend is the last step. I think the reason why I am so hesitant is because I am scared it will destroy the relationship. Maybe it will be destroyed because I have not been completely honest. Almost more scary for me- I’m scared he will reject me because of it and I think that it is such a big deal because of what it means to me. Smoking is not just smoking for me. It is not about the nicotine, although I do enjoy the effects. I can tell there is no physical draw for me yet, at least not from nicotine. If it was about the nicotine, I could go out and buy myself some gum or lozenges or even smokeless tobacco. Starting smoking for me is probably as big of a deal for me as quitting smoking is to people.

As crazy as it may sound, I think that my desire to smoke and by extension any smoking I do are part of who I am. And I guess I am scared of having this side of my personality revealed and potentially rejected. Although I have been hiding the fetish from my significant other for almost four years now, it is only in the past six months that I have really come to terms with actually having the fetish and what that means.

I’m still not sure how I am going to tell him, I only know that must tell him because of what smoking means to me. I feel like everytime I smoke, it is like I am cheating on him with my other lover since in many ways, smoking is my other lover. I really do not want to have to pick between the two which I think is why I am so hesitant to talk to him about it. But I cannot keep sneaking around like this. The guilt of that will kill me quicker than any of the poisons I willfully inhale.


Smoking and Yoga

This morning, when I was reading through my tag surfer I found this blog entry on how smoking is like yoga. He does an excellent job of comparing the two. I actually had this thought a couple of weeks ago during my yoga class when I was practicing ujjayi breathing. For some reason as I was posed in downward facing dog, consciously focusing on my breath- I thought of other activities that require a focus on breathing. During most other activities, we do not think of our breathing. During most of the day- we do not think of our breathing. But during both yoga and smoking- you must consciously think of your breath to get the most of the activity.

He starts his post by saying:

“It invokes resentment and awe with the same intensity.”

I actually never thought of yoga as being that “taboo” but if you do search for the “Dangers of Yoga” and you’ll find websites like I think it depends on your background. No one I know thinks of yoga this way. My friend who is christian comes to yoga class with me and I am pretty sure she is not going to backslide into “New Age” practices just because she likes doing yoga. And it is already too late for me to be “saved”. I will say that people either love yoga or they hate it. He also mentions that smoking is cheaper in the short run and I think this depends on how much you smoke and where you live. Where I live- a pack of cigarettes is anywhere between $10-11 a pack, so if you are smoking a pack a day- it is not a habit for the poor. A yoga class costs anywhere from $10-15 a class, until you know enough about it to practice on your own. You could buy a yoga tape too- but I find that the atmosphere of the yoga studio is more conducive to a better practice.

Ironically, I skipped my yoga class last night in favor of smoking a cigarette. It was a good one too. I am getting a little braver with my smoking. I still leave the neighborhood, but I no longer try and hide. Last night, I drove to a different community and went for a walk. I always forget that normal people do not really take notice of smokers as much as people with the fetish. I mean lots of people saw me smoke last night but it wasn’t like their eyes popped out of their head. I also think that the cigarettes are much more enjoyable when I am less anxious about them. Next week- it will be back to yoga class for me. I cannot waste all the money I paid on getting a pass to the place.

I think today will be my last smoking day for the week. My roommate just asked me to drive her to the bus depot, so I have the perfect excuse to leave the house for another indulgence. Then I will proceed with a week of not smoking to see how much I miss it. I don’t suspect I will miss it physically but more psychologically since that is where my drive to smoke comes from.

Darker Still…

With my recent experimentation with smoking, I realized a few things that I had not before.

First, I’m definitely attracted to smoking because of the “badness” factor. By badness I do not just mean image but also the fact that it is bad for you. I had sort of figured this before, but really felt it last night. I’m not sure exactly what made me realize it. Probably because a felt a little phlegmier than usual. There is no way I could isolate that directly to the smoking, but in my mind that is what I thought it was. I noticed during my last cigarette- I actually kind of liked the fact that my hand smelled like smoke. I like how easy (well partially easy at least ;)) it is to do something that is so destructive. Maybe not immediately destructive, but cumulatively. I don’t know it is something that I never truly identified with until just recently.

Another slightly unanticipated effect of smoking more than before (which is still very light- but more than once a week or month) is that there are actually times now when I do not want to smoke. I find this interesting because I do like smoking and I like the effects it has on me and I always thought that the more I did it the more I would want to but this really is not the case. I’ve decided that I don’t want to quit which still seems like a silly thing to say probably because it is like saying- I do not want to quit my 3 or 4 time a week Tim Horton’s steeped tea habit. My smoking, right now, is by no means habitual and I really do have to be in the mood to want to or enjoy it. I’m sure that changes over time, but I guess I was always under the false impression that I would fall really hard for cigarettes and that they would have some sort of death grip on me and I would no longer be able to control myself. This has not been the case. I think part of the reason why I might of thought this is because I had such a psychological drive to smoke before I even started that I thought it would only get worse once I started giving in. So far, not so much. I am both surprised and pleased by this…

Third- I have definite triggers to my smoking. Most of my triggers are sexual, but I have noticed that I also tend to want to smoke more when I am tired/sleepy/cannot concentrate. My mind has obviously made the connection that post-smoking I am more energized, less sleepy and can concentrate better. I noticed this particularly yesterday afternoon when I was particularly tired from lack of sleep. My school work has been keeping me up late. If I had time yesterday afternoon, I think I would have gone for a smoke. I would have been the perfect pick me up to fuel the 5 hours of group work I did after that.

I slept really well last night and have had ample opportunity to smoke and have not really taken advantage. Even though I am a bit sleepy, I guess I just don’t feel like it today. I guess this is an odd feeling considering how much I have obsessed over it. On that note, I will head back to my books.

Giving in and Feeling Good…

I wasn’t going to smoke today. Mainly because it was really cold out but as the day wore on and the temperature got warmer I couldn’t put the thought out of my head. So I figured- what the hell. I’m not going to get any work done sitting here thinking about it.

I only smoked about 3/4 of the cigarette- I still have fears of overdoing it and I enjoy the pleasant buzz but no longer “high” that allows me to concentrate better. I’m positive I’m not imagining that effect. What is more is as the effects become more subtle- I notice the other, more sensual effect smoking has on me that much more. That is an interesting development to say the least and not an effect that I anticipated.

I have a feeling I will be forced into making some choices very soon… sigh. For now I will enjoy and use this moment of blissful concentration.

A good one and a bad one…

I guess I got a bit carried away on my first cigarette after my few weeks of abstaining and made myself sick. What is awful is I can’t even tell I have gone too far until it is far too late. It is in those moments that I question it all. Why I even have any desire to smoke at all. I question my sanity a little when I start thinking about how even though I have made myself sick I would do it again. Anyone in their right mind would quit trying if they had made themselves sick as many times as I have, but I guess there is this part of me that wants to concur it. It is a dichotomy of walking the line between concurring and yielding.

I didn’t give up though. I decided I would smoke again the next day, but because I had gotten sick the day before, I was so much more tentative. Almost too much so- I didn’t even get the full affect of the cigarette. I mean the effects were still pleasant, but much more subtle and manageable. I had been feeling slightly nauseous and very tired all day and it was amazing the difference that one cigarette made. I didn’t make the connection until I felt much better after smoking. It reminded me of the time that I unknowingly got addicted to green tea and happened to not have any for almost a whole day. I had a splitting headache and I couldn’t study so I decided to grab a green tea. My headache seemed to melt away.

I wanted to again yesterday but didn’t. I even made plans to, but decided against it. Actually- part of the reason was that I ended up taking an afternoon nap which is somewhat uncommon for me.

I’m still pretty conflicted. Part of me wants to experiment with smoking at least on a once daily basis for a bit and the other part of me refuses to even consider it. That is the part of me that was a bit too happy when I made myself sick again. I plotted to smoke again this morning- but it is far too cold outside for it to be enjoyable. So I have scrapped that plan as well. Also, I think if I do plan on taking the plunge with experimenting with a cigarette a day- I will need to tell my boyfriend before I do. I think the stress and guilt of keeping it from him would eventually eat away at me. And right now- I’m not sure how I will tell him.

But, my pile of work awaits me… maybe I’ll write more on this later. Until next time…

Hawksley Workman

I think I remember the first time I heard his stuff and I remember at the time thinking- man, this guy is crazy. The first song I heard by him was Anger as Beauty. This song is pretty tame which is probably why it became so popular in the mainstream. My friend tried to get me to listen to some of his other stuff, but I have to say- at the time some of it made me feel a little uncomfortable. He does not sugar coat anything and his older stuff is particularly raw. I had quite a bit of his stuff on my computer and I hardly ever listened to it. My friend kept telling me- you have to go to his concert. I didn’t get it at the time. Little did I know I was missing out on one of the most engaging live performers I have ever had the pleasure of watching.

One day, one of his songs randomly came onto my computer again in my third year of university and I was hooked. I don’t know what was different about me that made me like it so much more in that moment- but I think something in me had changed, that made me appreciate his work so much more.

A reoccurring theme in his songs is darkness or dirtiness within, along with singing about sex a lot. That is actually how he introduces this song- Dirty and True. He says at the beginning of the video: “Sometimes the dirtiness is held within you and you are forbidden to talk about it”. I found that when I was looking for a video of one of my favourite Hawksley Workman songs for obvious reasons. That song is Jealous of Your Cigarette.

It is sort of a silly song… but I think I appreciate that although I cannot confirm that is talking about the fetish, it sounds like it. The song quality of the video is not great and the video is kind of lame. Regardless, he seems to appreciate the person that is smoking.

He also wrote another song called Lethal and Young and I can’t find a you tube clip to play but the lyrics of the song start like this:

It’s been fun destroying our bodies
It’s been great just being together
Crash another car, smoke another cigarette
And make love to all our favorites on the radio
’cause we don’t know how to make it go
We were only told how to burn it down
And then skip town

The references he makes to smoking occur in many of his songs. Another one of my favourites which seems to be a commentary on the life of a rockstar is Smoke Baby.

The above video is a live version, because I couldn’t find a non-live version. I think the lyrics that speak to me most in that song are these:

Who’ll give you time to cry?
And time to find yourself?

Anyhow… that is just a sampling of one of my favourite artists of all time. He is not for everyone, but his songs certainly speak to me. Not just the ones about smoking either. He often writes songs that really hit a chord with me. I try and get anyone I know to listen to him, much like my friend who tried to get me to listen to him, so it was only a matter of time before I started plugging him on here.

I’ll leave you with my current favourite, The City is a Drag

Le Smoking

Since I do not have much to talk about right now myself… I thought I would share the link to a blog that has some awesome, very artistic depictions of smoking. The blog is called Le Smoking It has some really awesome pictures.

This one is probably one of my favourites:

The Sound of Silence

I’ve been busy, busy and thus there have been a lack of updates. I’ve only smoked one cigarette since the last one and that will be two weeks ago as of today. Feels like just yesterday. I actually caught the cold that is going around and have had little desire to light up. This has been both odd for me as of late and was also a blessing because I was able to concentrate on my work for a bit without daydreaming about having a cigarette. I still think about it, albeit less than I had been.

I decided to set a date for the next time I would smoke and it is coming up pretty fast. About two weeks from now. I decided to do something a little more risky that day and let myself smoke more than once if I want to that day. Although I will be sure to space them out as to not make myself sick. I tend to get carried away because I want to be able to smoke like someone that does it all the time, but I have not the nicotine tolerance to do so. I’m looking forward to my one day of completely letting go of my sense of control. There is something strangely attractive about the idea of it.

I have not really been reflecting much on these things as of late because my powers of introspection have been directed toward my course work. I think that one thing I have going for me as a teacher is I’m already entirely too self-reflective for my own good. But perhaps this skill will come to benefit my students as I will constantly be thinking of way I can improve on what I am doing. On that note, I will sign out for now and get back to my school work. It never seems to end.

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