As I was reflecting on the craving I had last night, I realized it was not completely unfamiliar. I’ve had very similar cravings for chocolate. Almost identical actually. Just last night, instead of craving chocolate or sweets, I craved a cigarette. The only thing that was different my craving pre- last cigarette was this was the first time I actually had the ability to satisfy the craving. I mean- I had a whole pack of cigarettes that I could have just lit one up and satisfied the craving almost instantly. I can remember times when I have almost run to the grocery store in search of chocolate. In fact, I’m eating some chocolate right now. Really, I should be preparing myself some food because I have not eaten since breakfast. But there is something so sinful about eating chocolate instead of  a regular meal. I know I’ll have to eat something more substantial than chocolate soon, because I’ve been starving since about lunch time. I forgot my lunch at home, along with my wallet so I couldn’t even buy food if I wanted to. It made my last class torture- I mean I all I could think about was food. But I got home and had an idea for a post and instantly my mind went to the chocolate I still have left over from Christmas and suddenly nothing else would do.

I have long professed that I am indeed a chocoholic. I think if someone told me that chocolate was bad for me, I probably ask for another piece. There isn’t much evidence for physical addiction to chocolate- but by golly I definitely have a psychological one. I have something chocolate almost every day. Almost always good quality chocolate- none of this cheap stuff. I don’t even think about it- I just ingest. My mind says- chocolate chocolate chocolate and I go yes- how fast do you want it? Yes- chocolate isn’t necessarily good for you like broccoli and sure- if you consume too much all the time, you put yourself at risk for obesity, diabetes and probably even heart disease. 

What I found interesting when I did my google search is something I read in this article. It said:

Debra Zellner, Ph.D., a psychologist and professor at Shippensburg University, believes women crave chocolate because they have turned it into a nutritional taboo. It tastes wonderful, but it’s sinful because it’s loaded with fat and calories. Women crave chocolate when they are feeling low or before their periods because they have told themselves it is something they cannot have. Zellner conducted a study comparing chocolate cravings in Spanish and American women. She found that Spanish women, who did not see chocolate as a forbidden food, craved chocolate less than American women did. Zellner attributes chocolate cravings entirely to psychological associations and believes the bioactive chemicals found in chocolate occur in too small of amounts to have a neurological impact. 

I find this interesting since that is probably the very reason I crave cigarettes, at least on a psychological level, combined with the knowledge of the pleasure I will get. I see it as forbidden- even now after purchasing a pack and smoking one. I also feel the power smoking has over me already and I’m a little frightened to submit like I have with chocolate. I guess I haven’t completely submit with chocolate- but I haven’t cut it out of my life. I mean there is a reason I only have minimal amounts of chocolate in the house at a time. If I’ve got the chocolate, I eat it and I eat it all.

I guess what I am not familiar with is overcoming the craving- it feels good to give in yes, but it also felt very good to beat the craving like I did last night. Maybe what I want to do, only smoke occasionally, might not be something I can do. Maybe my drive to smoke will overcome me and I’ll say screw it and come out to the world. I could stop now and not risk becoming physically addicted but I know I will hopelessly crave smoking psychologically as I have for the many years before ever even trying it. I’ve decided that it is worth the risk of because life if too short to keep denying myself.