Over the holidays I confessed my fetish to my boyfriend. It actually went surprisingly well. Here is how things went down. I went to pick him up at his parent’s place which is about an hour away from where I was. I agonized over everything on the drive there, but when I saw him again within about five minutes of being with him, I realized both how much I loved him and why I fell in love with him with him in the first place. 

We drove toward my parent’s place and decided to go shopping when we got to the city. We had a nice lunch and decided to brave the busy malls. On the drive there, we were reconnecting and having a playful, yet probably the most honest and sincere conversation we have had in a long time, I said something like we really need to learn more about each other. I guess since I have been thinking about this stuff a lot lately, I brought up fetishes. I asked him if he had any and he turned the question right around on me, and asked me if I had any. I’m driving at this point in the city, trying to pay attention to the road and I blush and say yes. So I said I’d tell him mine if he told me his. He proceeded to list off a fairly tame list and said your turn. I couldn’t say it so I told him to try and guess to buy me some time. At this point, I realize shit, he is NOT going to give up until he finds out.

He started by naming every fetish that he classified as a “dumpable fetish”. I think this was because I told him I was scared he would think it was disgusting, so he named all the things he considered to be disgusting. You know- bestiality, golden showers, scat play, asphyxiation etc. I think in the 20 minute drive to the mall, he named every fetish he could think of ever having seen some sort of porn site on. He was starting to get frustrated and said something like- “I’ve already named all the unforgivable ones, yours can’t be that bad.” I told him it was something you could see people doing on the street and that it wasn’t something he would consider to be sexual. Still nothing. I think the hint that gave it away was that it is something that is bad for you, that society generally frowns upon but didn’t always and he put that together and guessed smoking. And then he laughed because he was like that isn’t a fetish. And later, after I told him it was mostly girls smoking and the thought of myself smoking turns me on he was like, “okay I guess that is a fetish.”

I guess what surprised me most is how accepting he is of it- especially after the hard time I have heard him give his brother. I even told him that I might even want to try smoking again at some point and he said he didn’t mind. He asked me if I had ever done it before because I guess he didn’t remember that I had told him that I had. I guess he also didn’t remember what his reaction to that was (which is why I was so scared to tell him in the first place). I think he was so fixated on the fact that I had smoked pot, that he didn’t remember that I had told him about my other smoking.

I told him about every time- and how it was mostly alone and that my urges to smoke are generally sexual in nature. I think he found that interesting more than anything. He really has no interest in taking part in any of it- but he did say that he has been attracted to smokers before- but not because they were smokers. I guess he was just trying to let me know that he wouldn’t be completely repulsed by me if I ever did it. I think he was also a little amused because he said something like, “You look at porn?” to which I replied- ,”Well you probably wouldn’t see it that way since the people are fully clothed- and well just smoking. I guess it is porn to me though.” I said I would show him sometime what porn looks like to me, since he seemed curious. He actually didn’t really understand what a fetish story would sound like… he kept asking, “So they just describe the smoking?” It was funny and I guess made me happy that the reaction was curiosity versus repulsion. He certainly doesn’t really understand it beyond the fact that he could see the attraction in that it is seen as bad, and bad can be sexy- especially to someone like me- smoking would seem really bad or definitely not
part of my image.

He had an interesting- very typical male response to it. He said something about I know how I can play to your fantasies- and he said something about picking up a smoking girl for a threesome. I playfully smacked him (exactly the reaction he was looking for) since that is the last thing I would want to do.

Within three hours of seeing him, I spill the beans on my fetish and it turned out far better than I could have imagined considering every comment he has made to me in the past. I think it was maybe because we were being completely serious with each other and he could see how closely I guarded this secret, despite spilling my beans anonymously on the Internet.

I’m not sure where things will go from here, but it feels good knowing that he knows. Knowing that I no longer have to keep this secret from him. I think that him knowing has brought us closer together since I realize now I was hiding a huge part of my sexual identity. 

I have a feeling he will never cater to my fantasies, but at this point I think I am okay with that. He has certain fantasies I might never be able to fulfill. Somethings may even be best left as fantasy since reality can often not live up to the magnificent fantasy world I have in my head.