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Closet Fascination

A blog about a journey, smoking, not smoking, vaping and everything in between

Month

January 2009

Chocolate and Cigarettes

As I was reflecting on the craving I had last night, I realized it was not completely unfamiliar. I’ve had very similar cravings for chocolate. Almost identical actually. Just last night, instead of craving chocolate or sweets, I craved a cigarette. The only thing that was different my craving pre- last cigarette was this was the first time I actually had the ability to satisfy the craving. I mean- I had a whole pack of cigarettes that I could have just lit one up and satisfied the craving almost instantly. I can remember times when I have almost run to the grocery store in search of chocolate. In fact, I’m eating some chocolate right now. Really, I should be preparing myself some food because I have not eaten since breakfast. But there is something so sinful about eating chocolate instead of  a regular meal. I know I’ll have to eat something more substantial than chocolate soon, because I’ve been starving since about lunch time. I forgot my lunch at home, along with my wallet so I couldn’t even buy food if I wanted to. It made my last class torture- I mean I all I could think about was food. But I got home and had an idea for a post and instantly my mind went to the chocolate I still have left over from Christmas and suddenly nothing else would do.

I have long professed that I am indeed a chocoholic. I think if someone told me that chocolate was bad for me, I probably ask for another piece. There isn’t much evidence for physical addiction to chocolate- but by golly I definitely have a psychological one. I have something chocolate almost every day. Almost always good quality chocolate- none of this cheap stuff. I don’t even think about it- I just ingest. My mind says- chocolate chocolate chocolate and I go yes- how fast do you want it? Yes- chocolate isn’t necessarily good for you like broccoli and sure- if you consume too much all the time, you put yourself at risk for obesity, diabetes and probably even heart disease. 

What I found interesting when I did my google search is something I read in this article. It said:

Debra Zellner, Ph.D., a psychologist and professor at Shippensburg University, believes women crave chocolate because they have turned it into a nutritional taboo. It tastes wonderful, but it’s sinful because it’s loaded with fat and calories. Women crave chocolate when they are feeling low or before their periods because they have told themselves it is something they cannot have. Zellner conducted a study comparing chocolate cravings in Spanish and American women. She found that Spanish women, who did not see chocolate as a forbidden food, craved chocolate less than American women did. Zellner attributes chocolate cravings entirely to psychological associations and believes the bioactive chemicals found in chocolate occur in too small of amounts to have a neurological impact. 

I find this interesting since that is probably the very reason I crave cigarettes, at least on a psychological level, combined with the knowledge of the pleasure I will get. I see it as forbidden- even now after purchasing a pack and smoking one. I also feel the power smoking has over me already and I’m a little frightened to submit like I have with chocolate. I guess I haven’t completely submit with chocolate- but I haven’t cut it out of my life. I mean there is a reason I only have minimal amounts of chocolate in the house at a time. If I’ve got the chocolate, I eat it and I eat it all.

I guess what I am not familiar with is overcoming the craving- it feels good to give in yes, but it also felt very good to beat the craving like I did last night. Maybe what I want to do, only smoke occasionally, might not be something I can do. Maybe my drive to smoke will overcome me and I’ll say screw it and come out to the world. I could stop now and not risk becoming physically addicted but I know I will hopelessly crave smoking psychologically as I have for the many years before ever even trying it. I’ve decided that it is worth the risk of because life if too short to keep denying myself.

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Completely Normal and yet not…

So after much contemplation, I broke down and decided I was going to smoke. I told my roommate that I was going out to buy groceries and then maybe to go read at a coffee shop since I could not concentrate at home, which is partially true. I never did come back with the groceries though. I grabbed an extra jacket (because I didn’t want my everyday one to smell like smoke) and hopped into my car. I drove past quite a few places I could have purchased cigarettes and decided on the gas station I always buy gas at on my way out of the city. The clerk ID’d me and seemed almost as nervous about the prospect of me buying cigarettes as I was. He didn’t really know what brand I was looking for (I had to direct him to it). I decided on Benson and Hedges Menthols- 100s of course. I decided that as easy as the Matinees are to smoke, I really hated not seeing anything come out (or hardly anything) and I wanted the full visual affect since being outside makes the smoke clouds less pretty anyways. Plus- I wanted this time to be good since I do not know when the next time I will get to do this will come.

After making my purchase, I drove around in the neighborhood near where I bought the cigarettes. I was looking for a small park, with a bench. Somewhere where I could quietly sit and enjoy my cigarette without much traffic. I found one or at least I thought I had. I parked my car and as I walked toward the place I picked when I realized it was actually a cemetery. So I decided that was a little inappropriate but found a suitable location near by. It was a nice little bench atthe top of the hill away from the street. I walked up and brushed off the snow from the bench and sat down. I took out my cigarettes put one in my mouth and lit up as if it were something I did all the time. It felt surprisingly natural. I guess when you fantasize and dream about something so much it shouldn’t be so surprising that it would feel completely normal. I didn’t feel anything for the first few puffs. I think I was kind of in a state of disbelief that I was doing something I had literally craved doing for months, maybe even years. I wasn’t necessarily craving it tonight, but I wanted to do it.

By about third puff I started to feel a wave of calmness wash over me. All the anxiety that I had experienced from purchasing the cigarettes washed away. I felt at peace. For the first time in months my brain was not telling me or thinking, “I want a cigarette”- because I was having one. It was such an odd experience. It was both completely normal and yet not at the same time. What also surprised me was the ease at which I smoked the entire thing. I kept testing myself with longer drags, deeper inhales and I was impressed that I almost smoked the cigarette to the filter. I think it was the first cigarette I’ve smoked where I’ve felt like I looked like a smoker and something about that pleased me. I think it took me about fifteen minutes to smoke the whole thing and I did feel a bit light headed by the end- but not so much so that I couldn’t drive (or felt like wretching). I decided that I probably shouldn’t go home right away since the smell would be pretty fresh on my pants and hands and I wanted to just go and sit somewhere.

I pulled into the Tim Hortons and ordered a meal. I figured I should eat since I hadn’t in a long time. That is where I noticed the appetite suppressing effect of nicotine. I wasn’t really that hungry, even though I knew I should be. I sat and ate my meal and read my textbook. Another side effect- I was actually able to concentrate on my reading. I sat there for about an hour reading- not really thinking about anything else (except for the occasional- wow my mind has not wandered thought). There were some negatives- my food didn’t taste as good. And I felt really cold after, probably because my circulation is so shitty in the first place. This could also be because I had to sit outside in the cold for 15 minutes to smoke the cigarette, but I have a feeling it is partially due to the effect of nicotine on the circulatory system. All reasons I still don’t want to smoke regularly- since I really like tasting my food, not smelling like smoke and do not really like feeling colder than I normally do. This was like a full body cold whereas my extremities are usually the only thing that is cold. My resting heart rate staying high for many hours after- I think it was still much higher than usual before I went to bed so I could not deny to myself the negative effects it has on my health, even after just one.

I do not regret doing it. I think what made this time different is that I was fully aware of what I was doing and what it meant to me. Also, I think it confirmed that I do have a psychological addiction or fixation on smoking based on the relief I felt after I did it. The relief was purely psychological since I am not physically addicted. Another thing I noticed is that even though I picked a relatively secluded location- it didn’t bother me as much when people walked by. I know that the first few times I tried smoking I was almost mortified at the thought of someone catching me, even if it was someone I didn’t know. A guy ran right by me and I really didn’t think anything of it. The only thing I thought, and here is the non-smoker runner coming out in me, I’m sorry he has to smell my smoke as he runs. I did not feel bad about it, only I could see myself in his shoes, huffing and puffing running up the hill, cursing the person who is smoking. Only- if I were the person running, I’d probably be slightly jealous in a similar situation.

As for whether I will do it again- I think there is no question in my mind that I will. That is another thing that is different about this time. Previous attempts I quelled my fears by telling myself I would just have one or a few and that is it. This time I am fully aware of the power smoking, the act, my psychological drive to do it, has on me that I know I’m not going to have just one. Having them handy means I will not have to spend time planning to buy them, which was often how I spent much of my time. Having my own cigarettes means I will not have to worry, as I did before, about the next time I smoke since it can be whenever I choose. The only thing I will have to worry about as MisterT alluded to before is my cigarettes going stale before I’ve had a chance to smoke them all.

Confessions

Over the holidays I confessed my fetish to my boyfriend. It actually went surprisingly well. Here is how things went down. I went to pick him up at his parent’s place which is about an hour away from where I was. I agonized over everything on the drive there, but when I saw him again within about five minutes of being with him, I realized both how much I loved him and why I fell in love with him with him in the first place. 

We drove toward my parent’s place and decided to go shopping when we got to the city. We had a nice lunch and decided to brave the busy malls. On the drive there, we were reconnecting and having a playful, yet probably the most honest and sincere conversation we have had in a long time, I said something like we really need to learn more about each other. I guess since I have been thinking about this stuff a lot lately, I brought up fetishes. I asked him if he had any and he turned the question right around on me, and asked me if I had any. I’m driving at this point in the city, trying to pay attention to the road and I blush and say yes. So I said I’d tell him mine if he told me his. He proceeded to list off a fairly tame list and said your turn. I couldn’t say it so I told him to try and guess to buy me some time. At this point, I realize shit, he is NOT going to give up until he finds out.

He started by naming every fetish that he classified as a “dumpable fetish”. I think this was because I told him I was scared he would think it was disgusting, so he named all the things he considered to be disgusting. You know- bestiality, golden showers, scat play, asphyxiation etc. I think in the 20 minute drive to the mall, he named every fetish he could think of ever having seen some sort of porn site on. He was starting to get frustrated and said something like- “I’ve already named all the unforgivable ones, yours can’t be that bad.” I told him it was something you could see people doing on the street and that it wasn’t something he would consider to be sexual. Still nothing. I think the hint that gave it away was that it is something that is bad for you, that society generally frowns upon but didn’t always and he put that together and guessed smoking. And then he laughed because he was like that isn’t a fetish. And later, after I told him it was mostly girls smoking and the thought of myself smoking turns me on he was like, “okay I guess that is a fetish.”

I guess what surprised me most is how accepting he is of it- especially after the hard time I have heard him give his brother. I even told him that I might even want to try smoking again at some point and he said he didn’t mind. He asked me if I had ever done it before because I guess he didn’t remember that I had told him that I had. I guess he also didn’t remember what his reaction to that was (which is why I was so scared to tell him in the first place). I think he was so fixated on the fact that I had smoked pot, that he didn’t remember that I had told him about my other smoking.

I told him about every time- and how it was mostly alone and that my urges to smoke are generally sexual in nature. I think he found that interesting more than anything. He really has no interest in taking part in any of it- but he did say that he has been attracted to smokers before- but not because they were smokers. I guess he was just trying to let me know that he wouldn’t be completely repulsed by me if I ever did it. I think he was also a little amused because he said something like, “You look at porn?” to which I replied- ,”Well you probably wouldn’t see it that way since the people are fully clothed- and well just smoking. I guess it is porn to me though.” I said I would show him sometime what porn looks like to me, since he seemed curious. He actually didn’t really understand what a fetish story would sound like… he kept asking, “So they just describe the smoking?” It was funny and I guess made me happy that the reaction was curiosity versus repulsion. He certainly doesn’t really understand it beyond the fact that he could see the attraction in that it is seen as bad, and bad can be sexy- especially to someone like me- smoking would seem really bad or definitely not
part of my image.

He had an interesting- very typical male response to it. He said something about I know how I can play to your fantasies- and he said something about picking up a smoking girl for a threesome. I playfully smacked him (exactly the reaction he was looking for) since that is the last thing I would want to do.

Within three hours of seeing him, I spill the beans on my fetish and it turned out far better than I could have imagined considering every comment he has made to me in the past. I think it was maybe because we were being completely serious with each other and he could see how closely I guarded this secret, despite spilling my beans anonymously on the Internet.

I’m not sure where things will go from here, but it feels good knowing that he knows. Knowing that I no longer have to keep this secret from him. I think that him knowing has brought us closer together since I realize now I was hiding a huge part of my sexual identity. 

I have a feeling he will never cater to my fantasies, but at this point I think I am okay with that. He has certain fantasies I might never be able to fulfill. Somethings may even be best left as fantasy since reality can often not live up to the magnificent fantasy world I have in my head.

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