I’ve been thinking a lot about my relationship with my partner recently. He doesn’t know about my fetish and we’ve been together for almost four years now. I’m starting to feel like I need to tell him. I know that keeping this secret is not a good thing and more recently I’ve realized how ingrained it is in me. I mean it was always there, whether I was consciously contemplating it or not. Even if I am not thinking about it, when I’ve forced myself not to fantasize, all it takes is seeing someone out on the street or watching someone in a movie to bring me back. I guess I never thought about telling him before because I had never really accepted myself that it was here to stay. I thought that maybe once I was in a relationship, I would no longer need the fantasies that kept me company during my single years. Of course, it turns out I was wrong. In fact, my most unattainable fantasy involves my boyfriend smoking, which would of course never happen since he is very anti.

For better or for worse, I feel like I am going to have to tell him- lest I let it eat away at my insides, racking me with guilt over with holding a part of myself from someone I love. He’ll either not be able to get over it or accept me with it. But even if he accepts me, I know that based on his current attitude toward smoking- my fantasies will stay just that- fantasies. This might be fine, since I will not know what I am missing and maybe nothing could live up to the fantasies I have built in my head. But what if it isn’t enough? I guess it is good we have some time apart so that I can think on this. Mull things over in my head, as usual, before I do anything.

This will be a short post, since I have much to do to prepare for Christmas. I probably won’t post any new entries until after Christmas- but I will have time to check comments and reply to those. Happy Holidays Everyone and All The Best in the New Year!