I have struggled with issues pertaining to guilt my whole life. I think this has a lot to do with the way I was brought up and the religion that both myself and my parents were brought up with. The Catholic Church bases its whole religion on the power of guilt. According to the church, we are all inherently sinful and must confess our sins so that God may forgive us. What this instills in a person if they try to follow it to the extreme is a maladaptive behavior where the person blames everything on themselves. Sure God can forgive us, but he cannot take away the guilt. Defenders of the church might argue that you have been forgiven, why would you still feel guilty? I say- well I’ve been forgiven for that transgression, but how much long before I screw up again? They might argue, if you work hard at being a good, moral person you should not have to confess very often. But almost everyday I’d wager to guess that everyone does something that could be considered inherently selfish or “not good” according to the church. Something that God ought to forgive us for. 

I had to go to therapy in high school. I was really depressed. I’m a pretty introspective person and depression made it worse. I would wallow in my destructive thought patterns. Therapy is very cathartic. I highly recommend it. I talked and talked. About anything and everything pertaining to my life. And my therapist listened and listened and finally he stopped me and said, “I don’t think you are depressed.” My jaw dropped, since I was convinced I was depressed- I had read the criteria for diagnosis in the DSM-IV, I had been wallowing in my deep dark hole for almost two years at that point. All I could reply was , “I’m not? Then why do I feel so miserable?” He proceed to explain to me why he thought I was not depressed or that depression was not my problem. Yes, I felt depressed. But what was more important to note is why  I was depressed. He told me that what I was feeling was the effects of years of constant guilt. He explained that this would depress someone, because how can one person take on the responsibility for the world like that?  They cannot. That is why most people have the adaptive ability to blame things on others. I had to learn this. He gave me homework to do. I was to stop and think about exactly why I was feeling guilty about something and then try and rationalize it without taking on the whole blame. I had to learn to recognize when things were my fault  and when they were due to external circumstances. I struggle with this still although not nearly as bad. 

It is not surprising that I developed this guilt complex. My Dad struggles with it too. My mom probably does too to a lesser extent. My mom’s story is pretty  interesting.  She grew up in a catholic household and when she was 17 she left home after high school to become a nun. As you can probably guess (since I am writing this) she left being a nun. She, to this day, has not told me why. I know that I came quite a few years after she left, so no it was not because she broke her vows and got knocked up. My mom is a good person, a great mother and my best friend and there is something too personal about why she left that she still has not shared with me. I always wonder if there is some residual guilt. What I guess is more ironic is that my mom had me out of wedlock. So technically it makes me “The Bastard Child of An Ex-Catholic Nun”. I  wonder, to this day, what her hang ups with the church are since she must of had some to leave. She does not go to church regularly anymore, although she does go for the main religious holidays. I think she partially did the religion thing for my sake.  I think it is so ingrained in her that so goes out of habit- not necessarily because she believes in the Catholic Church.

That aside, I started questioning the church in high school, shortly after I had pledged my life to be a Catholic. Firstly, I did not like their attitudes about women. Why couldn’t a woman become a priest if she wants to? Secondly, I started to meet people when I moved to the big city that were a contradiction of what I had always been taught. They were good people, moral people with good values that GASP did not believe in God. When you are taught your whole life that people who do not believe in God are going to hell because of it, you start thinking that they must be bad if they are going to hell because only bad people who do not repent their sins go to hell. But according to what I was taught- these amazing people that have done far more giving back to the world than I have were going to hell because they did not believe in God. It made me question- with everything we learn about God, would he really do that? I mean they were upholding many of the moral values that the Church instills in its follow with one tiny little thing- they do not believe. Some people might have reacted  by thinking they should try and save these lost souls.

My reaction was different. I didn’t see why they needed to be saved. Further, I could no longer believe in a religion that would condemn my friends to hell simply because they didn’t believe in the religion or God. I’m not even sure I believe in Hell anymore or even a life after death. And if there is a life after this one, I don’t believe that God would condemn an atheist for not believing. If God is so forgiving, that is a minor transgression if you’ve lived you life being a good person. I consider myself to be spiritual. I no longer believe in the Catholic church. Every time I go, I feel like a giant hypocrite because I go along with mass as if I believe. I say the Nicene’s creed  where you actually say, out loud, that you believe in the Catholic church. Its so ingrained in me that I actually still feel guilt over my hypocrisy. I apologize to God when the time comes of silent prayer.  Despite the fact I’ve abandoned the church, it seems the Church won’t abandon me.  I still retain a irrational belief in God even though I know there is no way to prove his existence.

What does any of this have to do with smoking? Well a lot actually. I’ve spent my whole trying to be a good person. Trying to live up to ideals. I have a realized that a large part of what attracts me to smoking is that it is not good for me. Maybe what attracts me to it, is that it is dangerous and something that no one does anymore and I have largely spent my life playing it safe. Maybe it is irrational to want something that is bad, even though you know it is bad for you. I’ve realized for me, a lot of the attraction has to do with my perception of smoking. I don’t think I would want to do it if it weren’t bad. I think it is also because I see it as “only a little bit bad”. I mean I would never go out and do heroin just because it is bad and makes you feel good. Maybe some one else would, but I have to draw a line as to how far I would be willing to take danger and I draw the line at marijuana. I also get a lot of, I don’t quite know what to call it- pleasure (?) from planning to do naughty. I’m not sure why… I feel like I could go on and on about this religion stuff and how it has affected me, but I’ve already written quite a bit and have to save some content for later.