Before I get into a discussion about what exactly turns me on when it comes to smoking, I think I need to give a little background on my sexuality and what I have come to believe about sexual orientation. I have spent almost as much time thinking about my sexuality as I have about my fascination with smoking only with my orientation I feel like I know exactly who I am.
I spent most of my adolescence pretty confident in the fact that I was straight. I had crushes on boys and most of my steamier dreams were about guys. I started to question my sexuality in my first year of university. It was second semester and the guy whom I had been crushing on sends me an MSN message telling me he is gay. In my head, I thought- not again even though this was the first time this had ever happened to me. I don’t know why I thought that- but I think it had something to do with every single guy that I had ever had a crush on was somewhat effeminate. I think this was just luck- since I have since been attracted to non-effeminate guys. Regardless, there were a few others that came out to me over the next couple of years. Meanwhile- I was starting to think there was something wrong with me. I thought maybe my stepmother was right to be worried that in fact I might be lesbian. She is pretty homophobic and that was probably her biggest nightmare.
The prospect of possibly being lesbian did not bother me. I had never seen anything wrong with homosexuality despite being brought up in the Catholic Church and living in a tiny homophobic little town. In fact, that was one of the reasons that I started questioning my faith when I was younger in the first place. But that is another story for another time. What bothered me was being in this state of limbo, of not knowing. I wanted to know for sure exactly what my sexual preference was and I wanted to know now. It isn’t too different to how I have been feeling recently with exploring this side of my sexuality.
To be perfectly honest, I had a really narrow view of sexual orientation before I started really researching it and finding out about it. Before this questioning period I thought that people were gay or straight and that girls that called themselves bisexual were just doing it to turn on the boys. Sure I wasn’t homophobic, but I certainly had no idea how complex things are. I joined a forum for gay people and found it was a great place to explore in a semi-anonymous atmosphere. I made a lot of friends that I could be really open with, people who had experience with what I was going through.
I came to identify myself with the label bisexual. It took a long time before I did though. Even within the gay community there is a lot of stigma behind calling yourself bisexual. There were a lot of people that told me there is no such thing as being bisexual and that bisexuality was merely a transition period between coming out as gay or going back to being straight. That it was a cop out label for someone that is scared to call himself or herself gay and bisexuality- especially for women is more accepted. I didn’t really care. I couldn’t deny that I had feelings- both sexual and emotional for both men and women. I see sexuality as a continuum. I probably have more heterosexual tendencies so I would say there is about a 60/40 spilt heterosexual/ homosexual.
I had my first crush on a girl in university. She was my roommate and nothing ever happened between us, but I definitely had more than platonic feelings for her. I almost met up with a few girls from the forum, but at the time I was not ready to come out. I have since, ironically, after starting the current relationship I am in. I guess it is ironic in the sense that I found love at a time when I had pretty much given up finding anyone: man or woman.
So what turns me on? Well if you are still reading, you could probably guess that seeing both women and men smoke turns me on. I prefer reading stories or seeing it in real life to the staged or overtly sexual pictures that you can pay for. For some reason, I find it so much more arousing if the person does not seem aware of the fact that they might be turning someone on. I’m not big on tricks, I just prefer watching someone smoke naturally- like they would on a day-to-day basis. Watching them take the smoke into their lungs hold it and exhale with a look of pleasure on their face. It is really that simple for me. There is also the attraction of the fact that they are doing something inherently bad. I really like watching people that you would never expect to be smokers light up. Those are my favorite. I think those are my favorite because I kind of put myself into that category- of the people that are least likely to smoke but do anyways. I guess I’m not in that category right now, but if I ever started smoking I think that is where I would put myself.
I’ll probably write some more on this later. I feel like I have only touched the tip of the iceberg as to what I find so alluring and I’ve already reached almost 1000 words. Until the next time I procrastinate from studying…