I’ve been thinking about my fetish a lot lately. It will probably take me years to understand it, but writing is helping. The first thing I have come to understand is that I don’t actually want to smoke. I think that my desire to smoke actually comes from an association in my brain between my fantasies about smoking and the arousal I get from them rather than actually associating the pleasure with the cigarette. I think I realized this awhile back, but I always seem to forgot when I am fighting with myself, trying to not succumb to the desire to buy cigarettes.

Secondly, because of the fact that I associate smoking with sexual arousal, I feel more desire to go out and buy cigarettes/ start smoking just times of the month where I am most sexually charged. My sex drive cycles along with my hormones. This makes sense from a biological point of view, that I would be most aroused during the time of the month that is most conducive to pregnancy. 

Thirdly, I think if I were to embrace my fetish entirely- I would have to date a smoker or become a smoker myself or both. Right now, cigarette smoke actually irritates me just as much as it does any other non-smoker. I often forget this, because in my fantasies I don’t have to deal with the smoke. Plus, once you smoke- even after one cigarette- the smell is that much less noxious and you don’t really notice how awful it smells. 

And lastly, I’ve also realized that I probably will never be able to embrace the fetish entirely. It involves changing too much of who I am and changing my lifestyle in ways that I just cannot come to terms with. The biologist/ geneticist in me rejects becoming a smoker entirely. It is awful for you and I don’t think that I could consciously do that to myself. My choice of profession, teaching, also comes into play as I do not thing that  smoking as a teacher (especially a high school biology/chemistry teacher) sets a good example. Also, I am into long distance running. The last thing I need to do is start messing up my lungs and putting stress on my heart. I mean I did read this intriguing article in the LA Times about athletes that smoke- which the part of me that would love to start thought was really cool and the part of me that is disgusted, noted that even many of them want to quit. Luckily, I have a non-smoking (very anti-smoking) boyfriend as that is part of my motivation to not start. The only problem with him being so anti, is that I don’t feel comfortable sharing with him that I have this fetish. He wouldn’t understand as he already doesn’t understand why I tried smoking in the first place.

That was the epiphany I came to over the past couple of days. Lots of thinking about this while I should be focused on my studying for my exams.