I think I left the last post off by saying I did smoke again. I did- but I never bought cigarettes again. I mainly smoked when I was drinking and only about one a year. Unfortunately, throughout that whole time I’ve been fighting the urge to start smoking. I’m sure some people might find that weird, but I think it make sense for me considering how long I have been obsessed with it. I think it has something to do with the fetish- since I find it sexually attractive that I might want to do it myself. I wish I could quit both- the fetish and the obsession with starting smoking. Neither are healthy despite the fact that neither will give me cancer, make me smell etc. I was thinking that maybe hypnosis or something like that might help. The fetish is so ingrained in me that I don’t know that it is something I can consciously beat. I’ve tried not thinking about smoking that way but it last about as long as until I see another person light up. I concurrently am turned on, repulsed and want to start smoking.
This morning was bad. My craving to go out and buy cigarettes distracted me throughout my class. I had devised all these elaborate plans about purchasing said cigarettes and smoking them after class. Not that you really need an elaborate plan for such a thing. But I do, since part of me is disgusted by that side of me. If you have read the leaked chapters of Stephenie Meyer’s Midnight Sun which is Twilight from Edward’s point of view- I liken it to the first time Edward smells Bella and she is the most delicious thing that he has ever smelled. He spends that whole class devising elaborate plans to kill Bella. He is discusted with himself that he would even think about killing a human (since he doesn’t eat human anymore) and calls himself a monster. He never eats Bella. Well that was me this morning in my class- except I spent a whole class making plans to smoke. And I never did smoke. So both Edward Cullen and I have something in common. We were both tormented by something we really desired and resisted. Only, if I’m lucky, I’m not going to fall in love with the cigarettes.
Instead of carrying out said elaborate plan I went to my next class and did everything in my power to distract myself. It worked and instead of smoking- I went and watching my friend shave his head for cancer. A far healthier and more productive activity. I wish I could stop wanting it though. With all my heart.