Balance

I’m about half-way through my summer holidays at this point and I’ve been reflecting a lot about life in general and my past year at my new job. In an attempt to regain some balance between work and play and to lose the 10 or so pounds I put on during the first year of my job, I started running again about three months ago. Yesterday was the first day I felt like a runner again. You might ask yourself, what does this have to do with the subject of this blog? Well, if you remember awhile back- there were some commenters that warned that I would be lured to the dark side and become unfit and so on should I explore my darker urges and smoke. Well truth be told, I did become unfit, but it had nothing to do with smoking as for the past few months/ year I have rarely indulged in any tobacco smoking. At first it was because my job was very physical and I simply had no desire to work out after doing physical work all day. At that point, I was still rather fit. Then I transitioned to a less active job, but did not start doing physical activity outside of work and that is when my fitness suffered.

Nothing is good in the extremes. I also became somewhat of a workaholic, putting in 12 hour days, 5 days a week, not including about 3 hours each weekend day. I don’t think I want to repeat this next year. In my spare time this summer, I’ve been working at ways to keep my life balanced.

My boyfriend loves pipe smoking. It is now more his thing than my thing as he loves collecting pipes. He doesn’t smoke everyday nor even every week and even less during the winter when it is too cold outside to make for an enjoyable smoke. I’ve actually started getting into cigars a bit more after my boyfriend bought some for me. This, in some ways, is a milestone that I never thought I would reach. He said that he noticed that I seemed to like them more the few times we have had them together. Again, I probably smoke as often as my boyfriend smokes his pipe. Which really isn’t very often. I don’t crave smoking anymore probably because I am no longer actively denying myself the pleasure of doing so. I simply smoke when I want to smoke.

Some people might ask, why go to the trouble at all? I think that is a hard question for me to answer when you haven’t experienced smoking the way I  and other people that get turned on by their own smoking do. It is instant pleasure from the moment I light up that I actually think has more to do with the act than anything chemical, although even smoking cigars without inhaling will give me a light nicotine buzz when I am through simply because of the length of time required to smoke it.

I like that smoking is part of my life now, but hasn’t taken over my life like I was always terrified would happen. It seems I have struck a balance, at least in this area of my life. Now to work on all the other areas of life. Until next time- happy smoking!

Updating from my phone

It’s been awhile and my career is to blame. I still visit Smokedawg’s website and occasionally SFK to get my fix when I need it. I almost feel as though this blog has served it’s purpose. It was a form of catharsis and a place where I could share, without holding back, all the conflict and anguish I’d kept pent up inside for far too many years. Through the process of writing and interacting with the community here, I was able to come clean to my boyfriend which only brought us closer as well as find a way in which I could occasionally enjoy tobacco, relatively openly.

I just wanted to let those of you who still check here know that I probably won’t be updating much anymore. If you are still reading, thanks for your ongoing support. The only loose end I feel like I might want to tie up is finishing the fictional story I started on here. Perhaps this summer I will jot the ending which is already in my brain down. Just know that my reason for disappearing is not because I’ve gone back to repressing my fetish, but more because I no longer feel as conflicted about it and my mind is at peace.

Thanks for reading and commenting!

Cigarette Girls

Its been a long time, but that is because I really have had little to write about. Until tonight… I saw the coolest thing tonight. We were at ourpub that we frequent on a fairly regular basis. A girl wearing short black shorts, a white tank top carrying a black box strung around her neck. Much like cigarette girls of days of old. Only because of tobacco display law she couldn’t display what she was selling. My boyfriend asked what are you selling. I say- read the label displayed on her box. It was a tobacco warning label. The only clue that she is selling delicious cigarettes.

The bar was pretty dead for a Friday night so she chatted with us for awhile. We told her that we though it was awesome that she was selling cigarettes, although none of us bought any. We figured that they would be like $15 a pack. But on principle we wanted to buy a pack from her. I mean when is the next time we would see a cigarette girl selling cigarettes in the bar? The three of us that turned 18 before the time of cigarette prohibition in bars remarked that we had never even seen a cigarette girl back when you could smoke in bars. But then my boyfriend remarked- maybe we are bringing smoking back. And we launched into fantasies about opening a private smoking club…

Bringing Smoking Back?

Somedays, I almost cannot believe how far I have come since I started this blog. Sometimes, I have to remind myself that these changes in how I view my fetish and interact with it in real life didn’t happen overnight. It took a lot of deprogramming to be able to get to a place where I could enjoy smoking and my fetish without feeling anxious about it. I’m not saying I’ve forgotten all the propaganda regarding the evils of smoking that I have been fed over the years. I do feel like I have been freed from its shackles though.

Because of my elbow issue, I don’t smoke very often. In some ways, I ‘m almost happy for that, because it makes the smoking that much more special when I do. My boyfriend, on the hand, is quite taken with pipe smoking. He loves everything about it, from the actual smoking to the collecting of pipe paraphernalia. I love sitting with him and enjoying the aroma of his smoke. I love the way he smells after he has had a bowl. I love that he loves to smoke. That, in itself, is very attractive to me.

I went to my cousin’s wedding last weekend. He is my closest cousin. I asked my boyfriend if he wanted to bring his pipe. He declined, thinking he wouldn’t have an opportunity to smoke. After all, who smokes in this day and age? More people that you would expect. Most people were smoking a variety of tipped cigars with a few larger Swisher Sweet types. My boyfriend immediately regretted not bringing his pipe. He would have fit right in. I wasn’t planning on smoking. After all, my mom was there and within sight of me. But chatting with my cousin, the conversation came to pipes and cigars and he asked us if we wanted to try his Swisher Sweet. We both accepted and started passing the cigar between the three of us. He then told us that we could have it since he had already smoked quite a bit that night. So, my boyfriend and I continued to share it. Still not sure if my mom saw us, but my guess would be yes although she only commented on my boyfriend smoking. Regardless, I think I would be okay with her finding out I smoke every so often. She seems to be okay with pipe smoking for some reason.

On the way home from his honeymoon, my cousin and his wife stopped for a visit and my boyfriend introduced him to pipe smoking. He liked it, but thinks that he will stick to cigars for now. We got to talking, and he remarked that he thinks that smoking will make a come back with our generation. He has noticed that almost everyone he knows smokes something. I tend to think that more people smoke than is reported by census because occasional smokers tend to not think of themselves as “smokers”. He might just be optimistic, as have whole groups of friends that don’t touch tobacco. Having both smoked some of the MJ in our “youth” we both agreed that we like tobacco more. Both of us like that we are still able to think straight after a cigar or a pipe. I tend to think that smoking prohibition will only get worse before it gets better. I also think that as long as tobacco is legal people will continue to smoke no matter how restricted that smoking becomes by the law. I also doubt that new laws will or campaigns will reduce smoking to a lower level than we see today. Why? Because everyone who smokes nowadays knows it is bad for them and yet does so anyways. So why would campaigns doing more of the same work?

Maybe my cousin is right. Maybe our generation will bring smoking back into fashion. Well… I can always hope.

Sharing Smoke and Intimacy

“Maybe the world would be a better place if everyone smoked,” – My boyfriend

I never thought I would ever hear him say something like that, being that he used to be fairly anti-smoking. He has really taken to the pipe and now smokes more often than I do. Mostly, this is because of my elbow that I have not gotten checked out. I guess I’m scared the doctor will look at me like I’m crazy or some sort of hypochondriac, which I have to admit I kind of am sometimes.

That aside, I have smoked a couple of times since my post saying that I wasn’t until I saw the doctor. All times have been when I have been slightly intoxicated, and conveniently forget the pain I’ll experience the next day. I have to say I am pretty much exclusively into more aromatic tobaccos now. The boyfriend smokes the oakier stuff and I don’t mind the taste, but I don’t like it enough to smoke a pipeful. The time before last, I experienced my first smoky kiss with my boyfriend. While I don’t really have a fetish for pipes, smoke seems to do it for me most of the time. And exchanging smoke with my boyfriend, I have to say, was pretty hot. It was intimate for me beyond any other sort of kissing I’ve ever done. Why intimate and not just sexy? Because of what the kiss meant. It meant that I trusted my boyfriend enough to open up about a part of myself that I keep hidden from the world for the most part and that until only recently admitted to myself that I had.

Where would I be now if I hadn’t told him? My guess: I’m not sure we would have lasted that much longer. There was huge risk in telling him for sure. He could have decided that my fetish was a deal-breaker and we would have been over. But hind sight being 20/20, I think not telling him would have been a huge mistake and would have more likely resulted in one of us ending it. If the outcome had been different, maybe I would  be telling people not to tell, it will ruin everything. Every situation is unique, because we are all unique individuals. When people told me to consider what I was missing out on because I wasn’t letting him in on my little secret, I dismissed it, thinking that my boyfriend would never smoke anything so why entertain the fantasy. If he is never going to indulge me in real life, then why tell him what I fantasize about most of the time? Why does it even matter? The answer: sharing these sorts of things, for me, is part of getting intimate with a person. I wouldn’t have felt as connected to him had I kept my fetish from him.

Do I feel bad for bringing him into my world? Not really, since he enjoys pipe smoking more than he ever could have imagined. I didn’t really push him to try it, merely exploited an interest that was already there. It has made him much more tolerate of all smokers, although he still really doesn’t see the point of cigarette smoking. Probably because he doesn’t smoke to get the buzz. He is somewhat of a pipe smoking zealot, trying to convert cigarette smokers to the pipe. It is more entertaining than anything. So far he has one successful convert. His brother. But I think his success is only partly due to his mad conversion skills and partly because his bro is unemployed and cannot afford what was his half-pack a day habit. But he can afford to smoke the tobacco we provide to him. Good thing he doesn’t smoke pipes like he did cigarettes or we would be poor supporting his habit.

I ramble… but I where I was going with this was that if you don’t take the risk of letting a person into your deep personal space, then what could be, might never come to be. Never say never. Huge risk can equal huge rewards and taking the leap can be super scary. Not to mention that this didn’t happen overnight or without some compromise. My boyfriend was not okay with me starting to smoke cigarettes. That led to me closet smoking and discovering that I really don’t want to smoke regularly but had trouble smoking sporadically. Which led to me exploring other smoking options, such as the pipe. Sharing my desire to try pipe smoking was not shot down which led to both of us trying pipe smoking. Entire journey: about a year and half. Result: boyfriend smoking pipe regularly (anywhere from 1-3 times a week) and more indulging of my fetish. I even think that if I told him I wanted the occasional cigarette he would be okay with it now. I’m not sure I want that, but I’m happy we are at a place where I know I wouldn’t have to sneak behind his back to do it. That seriously was killing me.

If you had asked me back in November 2008 that this would be the result of starting this blog and telling my boyfriend, I would have called you crazy. And secondly, I probably wouldn’t have even been sure that it would be something that I wanted. Up until recently, I didn’t really think I cared to have my fantasies fulfilled in real life. But now that I’ve had one smoky kiss, I want more. It has changed my fetish a little too. I love the way my boyfriend smells just after he has had a pipe, although the smell of pipe smoke on clothes seems to dissipate a lot quicker. I don’t know where I am going with this… but I think that is partially why I haven’t been writing as much. My blog was mainly to help me figure things out, sort my fetish out in my brain and mainly to feel less alone. I feel like I have done all that. Thanks internet world for the free therapy! And with that, I will say goodnight and goodbye for now.

New Love and Other Woes

It has been awhile since I have posted anything and that is because work and life have been keeping me super busy. That said, I would like to share my new love with you. It is a pipe (although I’m not sure how much I will be smoking it for the time being for reasons I will explain later). This pipe was handmade by Erik Nording and actually hand selected by the owner of the tobacconist I go to from Erik Nording’s house in Denmark. It is beautiful and has smoked beautifully since day one. Sadly, I have only smoked it three times since I got it (April 13).

I am going to be holding off on the smoking for the time being, until I get my possible compressed ulnar nerve looked at. You have probably heard of carpal tunnel which is the compression of the median nerve due to overuse. This is similar, only involving a different nerve. You can damage this nerve quite easily by hitting your funny bone a few too many time as it is an exposed nerve. What does this feel like? Well, I have pretty much constant tingling in my pinky and ring fingers and sometimes my whole arm, but mostly just the elbow will be really sore and achy. My job, with its super repetitive upper body work, aggravates it further. It first noticed it at the end of August when I was using my arms a lot for moving. I smoked one cigarette and the symptoms increased and I thought nothing of it. I actually thought it was because the cigarette was stale. During the next few months, I hardly did any upper body work so symptoms disappeared for a bit. Then I started spending long days looking for jobs on the internet and the symptoms started to return in the form of my whole arm being sore. I sought out massage therapy, which does help. Work seems to be aggravating it further. Sadly, smoking my pipe seems to make the symptoms worse as well.

I first I thought I was crazy that the tingling and discomfort would increase post smoking my pipe, but there it was.  While I somewhat take pleasure in pain, this is not the kind I like or find enjoyable. So now I have to find a family doctor since I don’t have one and get them to look at it. In the interest of experiencing less discomfort I will be putting a hold on the pipe smoking for the moment. This makes me sad, but I have to figure out what is wrong before I continue.  I had a job interview today that went well, so hopefully I will only be doing my repetitive motion job for a few more months. If I can never pipe smoke again, my boyfriend is pleased because he says he’ll have a new pipe. To this, I glared at him and pouted. Hopefully it all works out in the end.

My New Love

A Short Note

I just wanted to post a short note saying that I will be updating this blog this Friday. I would do so tonight, but alas I have no time again. But I have stories to tell so a post about my pipe smoking adventures (as boring as they may be) is due. I have acquired a new pipe for my birthday which I absolutely adore. It was love at first smoke! More on that new pipe and my experiences with it later. Until then, happy smoking!

Bit quiet around here… apologies

Being employed leaves me a lot less time to sit and write my blog. Generally, I used to write during the days and spend the evenings with my boyfriend. Now, I work during the day and still spend my evenings with my boyfriend. I think I’ll try and make a point of updating on Fridays as I have them off work and a bit more time to myself to be writing. No promises though. Another thing is, I haven’t had much to write about recently. Still smoking the pipe occasionally, anywhere from once a week to less than that. I have no desire to smoke much more than that. Last weekend, I had my first blend that I didn’t really enjoy. I didn’t even finish the bowl. My buddy liked it though, so it was probably just a personal preference thing. I can’t even tell you what I didn’t like about it, I just didn’t like it.

I didn’t get my job with the city working with the kiddies. It was one of those interviews that you know you tanked while you are sitting in the interview. To be fair, I think that a small part of me didn’t want the job, which is never good going into the interview. It was working mostly with pre-school aged kids and I’m more of a fan of older kids and teens. I have steady work, good paying work to carry me through to September and hopefully I’ll pick up a teaching job between now and then. I’m also going to see if I can pick up some work in the evenings tutoring.

Lately, I’ve noticed I’ve been more interested in reading on the junk-science behind the anti-smoking movement. I believe the counterpoint between the messages sent by anti-smoking propaganda and the glamorization of smoking in various media contributed to my fetish. There is an attraction for me to the danger. I guess that is why I don’t think that the current modes of preventing people from taking up smoking work all that well. This blog post: The problem with harm reduction messages at Smokles sums things up quite nicely.

That’s all for today. Hopefully my blogging muse and fiction muse will come back soon.

I’m alive, I’m working…

This is a short update because even since I started working I pretty much have no time or energy to update this. This makes me sad, but also happy because it means that I have money to live. I still smoking the pipe about once a week with really little desire to so more often. It really is possible to use tobacco occasionally and not be addicted. I don’t even get the “nicotine hangovers” I was getting at the beginning which is nice. I don’t even get a buzz anymore, which is also nice in a way. Not getting a buzz means I don’t crave the buzz.

I smoked my last bowl out of my pretty girly briar pipe and I took the metal stinger thing out. It is supposed to fix air flow problems or control air flow, but I found I was getting a lot of condensation and it was smoking really hot. Like burn my tongue hot. My girly pipe, well, it has a bit of a personality. To put it another way- it is a little bitch to break in. This past smoke was better than then the one before though and I think I will continue to see improvement as I break it in. Taking the stinger out made it smoke less hot, because I found that because I had less resistance when I drew through the pipe, the bowl heated up less.I just have to be more careful when I am smoking it as it is really easy to draw to hard with less resistance. I’m officially all out of one my tobaccos- the East India Co which is what I am using to break in the pipe.

In other news, I have an interview for another job. One that actually has to do with my degree. Unlike the one that I am doing right now… although depending on what degree, I guess my current job is related to my first degree. I’m also going to see one of my favorite musicians, Hawksley Workman, on Sunday. Things are looking up! Except for the fact that I lose an hour sleep this weekend and have to work on Sunday. Sigh. Hope all is well with everyone else! Happy Smoking

Pipe Smoking Diary Part 5

February 26, 2010 (Morning)

I has almost been a week since my last pipe. That statement makes this diary entry feel a bit like confessional. To be honest, I didn’t have any inclination to smoke during the week. As my boyfriend remarked the other night, the honeymoon phase with the pipes is over. That isn’t necessarily a bad thing though. Our pipe smoking buddy is sick this week too and since he seems to get sick a lot he has decided to only smoke once a month. My boyfriend had said that we wouldn’t smoke if we didn’t smoke with him, but I think he is wanting to smoke a bowl tonight. I asked him about this and it looks like he is going to amend his rule so we can smoke tonight. I think my boyfriend has almost taken to pipe smoking more than I have. Not to say I’m not looking forward to tonight, but I almost think he is looking forward to it more.

February 26, 2010 (Evening)

Another successful pipe smoke was had tonight, although I didn’t quite finish my bowl. I tried something a bit different than my usual. It was a tobacco called “Red Ranger”. Still a mix from the tobacconist, but quite good. Not quite as sweet as some of the blends I had been smoking, but nice and mellow and flavorful. I don’t think that it would be classified as an aromatic, but hell, I have no idea. I’m still really new to this. I think I’ll ask the next time we pick some up since I’m sure we will buy some again. That will probably take us awhile at the once a week rate, but hey I never got into pipe smoking to smoke all my tobacco at once. I noticed that the tobacco tastes much different when I smoke it myself. I tend to smoke slow and cool, compared to my boyfriend who liked big clouds of smoke and thus tends to smoke fast and hot. We told him he is going to have to work on that, because doing that he is more likely to burn through one of his pipes. The difference in taste was huge. I guess I was getting so much tongue bite just from one puff on his pipe of the same blend I smoked tonight and it was burning so hot it changed the flavour. Needless to say, I don’t like to share with him anymore, since it generally leads to me having a sore tongue. I paired the pipe tonight with some Lady Grey tea. They went together perfectly. Lady Grey is my go-to tea. I drink it every morning when I am working and I thought it might taste really nice with some tobacco and it does. As the night went on, I realized just how much I had enjoyed the new tobacco. I still couldn’t get over the difference in taste. While I am still working at breaking in my briar pipe, I have a feeling it might come to be more ornamental as it smokes really hot, I think I’ll try again next time with the same tobacco I smoked today as it seemed to burn pretty cool. Probably because it didn’t have as many flavored tobaccos in it. It has a little metal thing in it called a stinger that I might take out. It is supposed to help with condensation, but I think it is just resulting in a build-up of moisture in the bottom of my pipe. I’ll just have to watch how hard I draw, but I tend to draw pretty light to begin with. I also think that I am for sure going to get a meerschaum pipe for my next pipe.

I was feeling in the mood to write tonight, even though I said I would last week, I never did. I’ve never read “pipe erotica” so this is my take on what it might be like. It is totally different from anything I have ever written, although it does stay pretty PG, since I have trouble bringing myself (at this point) to write about naughtier acts. So I would think of it more as “foreplay” erotica. When I reread the story, I realized how old fashioned the gender roles are, but I don’t really see it as a bad thing. They are only “old fashion” as far as her cooking and cleaning for him… as part of her mode of seduction. The premise is a married couple that hasn’t been intimate for awhile because the husband is stressed from work. So I quite nervously present to you: Slow Seduction. Enjoy!