Part of the reason I haven’t updated has to to with the fact that I am insanely busy. To go along with the insanely busy, my practicum pretty much consumes all of my thoughts leaving little left over for contemplation regard stuff I talk about here. Truth is, my practicum with its ups and downs has taken the place of my fetish as the drama in my life. I seem to have a need for drama in my life, whether it be self-created internal struggles with the question of to smoke or not to smoke or the externally created dramas of the profession that I have chosen. Lately, my passing desire to smoke has little to do with sexuality and more to do with a way of letting off some steam. Only I never spend excessive amounts of time fantasizing or salivating over actually going through with it like I did almost a year ago. Some might say that I am repressing my desire and that this will be dangerous in the long run. But unlike the past, I am no longer denying myself in the same way. It is hard to explain, since it would probably seem to you, my readers, that as long as I am not smoking I am denying myself. I’m not even sure I can explain it… but something is different than before. I think it has to do with holding a more positive view of what having a fetish like this entails as well as letting myself smoke and experiment when I feel the need to. I’m not sure it is ever in the cards for me to be a full-time smoker. I’m almost positive infact. I keep this tentative using words like “almost” and “not sure” because who knows where life will take me. But as of right now for me to switch from casual/occasional/sporatic smoker to full-time smoker would involve a huge paradigm shift in my mind.
What still goes strong is the fantasy side of the fetish. I’ve written, in my mind, many alternate endings/ continuations to the Strange and Beautiful story. The problem is: I have no time to write any of these down. So for those of you reading that story, I am thinking Christmas will be the next time I have time to sit down and write. Speaking of time… I must get back to my work. I hope all is well with those of you who still read this.
I have not had much desire to smoke lately, despite having plenty of opportunity. I always thought that as soon as I moved into my new place, it would not be long before I got so bored with living alone that I would be running out to one of the numerous convenience stores that seem to surround my new place.
I find this an interesting development, but probably not entirely surprising. I think part of what really excited me about smoking was the secrecy and hiding it from my roommates. Now that I pretty know I would get away with as much smoking (as least on my balcony) as I would like, it makes it less desirable. I think as much as I “hated” sneaking around, I kind of liked it too.
What is even more interesting, is that lately I have felt more of a desire to branch out into other forms of tobacco consumption. I found this You Tuber that posts videos of her smoking her pipe.
This one is one of my favourites:
I guess what I attracts me to the pipe has nothing to do with sex. I don’t really have a fetish for pipes, but I am curious about them because of how good they smell. Cigarette smoke is sometimes offensive. Pipe smoke always smells really inviting. I also like the idea that you cannot be in a hurry to enjoy a pipe. It seems like a hobby (?) that would be almost meditative which I would gather is why many people find it to be so relaxing.
I also have a bit of a desire to try cigar smoking and hookah smoking. I guess anything where I can see smoke coming out of my mouth piques my interest.
Tonight, I finally had a chance to work on the story. The update is here. I actually wrote chapter 9 a few weeks ago and found I moved way too fast. When I re-read it, I realized that I skipped over many crucial moments. I think what I wrote will be able to be adapted for a later chapter. As a warning, in this chapter, I start to get a bit more explicit. That’s all for tonight. Hope you enjoy this installment and until next time…goodbye.
I updated Strange and Beautiful again. Chapter eight’s installment has us learning more about Drew. It is kind of long, but I felt like we needed a little more background on the seemingly confident, suave, James Dean of our story.
As for me… well this is probably the last time I will update for awhile. School is picking up pace pretty quick and I have stories I need to be writing for school amongst other homework. Adios, for now!
Been super busy with vacationing, then moving and now unpacking. I decided to procrastinate a little from unpacking and update Strange and Beautiful. Chapter seven is now up and I will probably post something in the next little while before school starts again.
But for now- those of you reading my story, enjoy.
I just got back from 4 days away at a wedding. It was killer fun and well I guess I really wouldn’t be writing about it if there was not a good story or two regarding the topic of this blog to tell. So here goes nothing…
My friend had six bridesmaids, and I was one of them. One of the bridesmaids, lets call her E, is a smoker, although she is apparently planning on quitting as of yesterday. Since we do not live in the same city, I have no idea whether or not she will actually go through with it since she did not seem entirely convincing when she talked about it. She is one of the most polite smokers I have ever met, always trying to position herself where she would bother us least with the smoke. Of course, I kept telling her the smoke really didn’t bother me. At least not in the sense she believed…
At one point that first day, she even offered me one. I must have been looking at the cigarettes longingly or she confused me with one of the other bridesmaids,J , who apparently used to smoke (I’m not sure when- although if I were to guess, probably when she was going to art school). As the day wore on and I had more to drink, I felt more of an inclination to smoke. I didn’t act on it, but for some reason confessed it to one of the other bridesmaids, lets call her K. K then confessed to me that she used to take drags off her friend’s cigarettes when she would go out to the bar with them. I found this interesting since K did not seem like the type of girl who would. I never did get up the courage to ask E for either a cigarette or drags from her cigarette that night.
Fast-forward to the day of the wedding. By this point I had decided that the weekend was no ending without me smoking something. I was at least going to bum a drag and that was that. What transpired during that day was kind of interesting. Right after the ceremony E was having a smoke, but needed to get something the bride needed out of her purse.
She said, “I hate to ask you, but can you hold my cigarette?”
“No problem,” I replied, without even thinking. It was funny to see people’s reaction to that since everyone knows that I do not smoke. I guess I held it as if it were mine, so naturally people thought it was mine. My friend, the bride, even asked me if I was smoking, to which I replied, no just holding it for E. I’m pretty sure she would have just thought it weird if I were and had a chat with me later.
A little bit later, one of the guests was having his picture taken and did not want to be photographed smoking and asked K to go put out his cigarette. It was funny, because I think K is at the point where she isn’t comfortable with people knowing she occasionally smokes and ran across the field holding the cigarette like it was toxic waste, with a panicked look on her face.
“What do I do with it?” she exclaimed. It was more because the grass was really dry and she couldn’t figure out where to put it out. She gratefully passed it off to E who “disposed of it” for her. Disposed of it by smoking it of course.
Later at the reception, I proceeded to drink quite a bit. I was more than ready to carry out my plan, but it was how to do it without hovering around E or following her around. Plus, often she would just sneak off to smoke without telling anyone. I finally had a good chance so I took. E asked if I wanted to get another drink with her and I said yes. She said she wanted to have a cigarette first, so I told her I would come with. The smoking area was surprisingly not busy so it was just the two of us. I asked her quietly if I could have a drag of her cigarette, to which she replied, “You aren’t the first to ask me tonight.”
“Really?” I asked, although I had a feeling I knew.
“Yeah, K, of all people, asked me for one when we went out to the car earlier.”
I thought that was funny. K actually wasn’t even drinking that much so was pretty much just using the occasion as a reason to smoke. Much in the same way I was, but if anyone asked I could blame it on the booze. I guess that is why she asked in a more private location and I asked in a slightly more public location.
The M/C did catch me smoking, but she thought I had been earlier too (because she saw holding the cigarette). Over the course of two smoking breaks that evening I managed to scam 3 drags off of E’s cigarettes and one off of the Bride’s Dad’s cigars. His cigars smelled so good. They had been enticing me all weekend and I really wanted to see if they tasted as good as they smelled. Alas they did not… but they were still pretty tasty. As E only smokes non-menthol cigarettes I got to try those again and I am considering going non-menthol for my next pack.
I’m a little sad that K and I do not live in the same city as I am pretty sure if I were to smoke again in front of her, she probably would partake at least a little bit. As long as we aren’t in front of people who do not know her dirty little secret. It was just fun openly sharing about my own closet smoking habits with someone. Someone that could easily tell one of my closest friends (the bride) my secret… although something tells me she will keep it to herself. She seemed to notice people’s smoking almost as much as I did, which was a little odd. I doubt she has “the fetish” but she certainly seemed more fixated and interested in smoking than the average joe. That in itself was refreshing. If only we were both less restrained… I imagine that would have been even more fun.
For those of you that are reading this story, I posted chapters five and six. I’m not sure where this story is going from here, but I feel like I need to pick up the pace or something. The story is far longer than I imagined to begin with. Maybe I shouldn’t worry too much about length and just tell the story. I just hate stories that drag on and on and now that I am writing one, I realize how easy it is to let that happen.
I found this interesting documentary two college students did about smoking and I though I would share it with the readers. It is not really fetish related, but caters to my interests, namely exploring why people try smoking and why people continue to smoke. Plus, there are some good moments in the film and overall I think it was well done. One thing I noticed is neither of the people making the documentary smoked a lot, at most half a pack a day. The in fact, Maria was the one who smoked less, but had more trouble staying smoke free. I think what it showed is the huge psychological component to smoking and that it doesn’t really matter how much you smoke, but how attached you are to it. It also made me appreciate how easy I have it when I go through my “I don’t want to smoke phases” as I am not surrounded by it. Both of the documentarians were surrounded by friends that smoke. I think if that were the case with me, I probably would be smoking all the time right now. The social barrier to my smoking is the biggest and I have been a little unfair to my boyfriend in saying that it mainly him who prevents me from smoking. It really isn’t. It is how I perceive my entire social group would react to my vice/indulgence that stops me from taking it up. Part of me really hates the fact that I care what others think at the age of 26. I’m happy not smoking but also unhappy that the reason I don’t smoking has very little to do with myself. Especially after finishing Atlas Shrugged, I felt really silly for not doing something that could potentially make me happier mainly because others would not want me to. While the whole book did not resonate with me, certain parts did especially this quote:
I swear by my life, and my love of it, that I will never live for the sake of another man, nor ask another man to live for mine.
Anyhow… without further delay, here is the documentary:
Part 1:
Part2:
Hope you enjoyed!
I just posted Chapter Four of Strange and Beautiful. Hope those of you that are following enjoy. Chapter Five is on its way. I actually wanted to make sure I knew where the story was going before I posted this chapter.
* Warning* Do NOT read any further if you do not want to be spoiled on the book or movie “My Sister’s Keeper”
Random thoughts about smoking in movies…
I recently went to see My Sister’s Keeper. It is a movie based on book written by Jodi Picoult. Overall, I was happy with the adaptation. Except for one thing. The portrayal of the “troubled older brother” was to put it frankly: lame. In the book, older bro Jesse is a bad ass 18 year old arsonist. He set fires mainly to uninhabited buildings for attention from Dad who is a firefighter. His younger sister has been fighting cancer since she has been about two and the main focus of the family, so much so that know one really notices Jesse. IN the book, Jesse is also a smoker. In the book, there is even a scene where things get so intense for the youngest sister, thirteen, who was bred as a donor for her older sister, she asks Jesse for a cigarette and he gives it to her. But then, being the good older brother that he is, takes it away before she does too much damage.
Was there any smoking in the movie version. None. I expected a cut of the scene with Jesse and the youngest sister. But I expected to see Jesse smoke at some point since it seemed to add a bit to his character. But he didn’t. He didn’t smoke and further, he wasn’t an arsonist. I think that bugged me even more than the fact that he didn’t smoke. We were supposed to believe that Jesse was troubled from a few scenes where we see him walking around on the street with a hoodie on, drinking a milk shake and coming home late. Lame.
I have a feeling the smoking was taken out, because of the movement to have less smoking by teens in movies since it supposedly influences them and makes them want to start. For more on that see this site.
Okay, so maybe smoking is not disappearing entirely from movies but I think we are seeing less thanks to campaigning from these anti-smoking groups.
In my opinion, this idea that no smoking should grace the silver screen makes me question whether this will hinder art in a way. In the case of translation from book to movie, the removal of smoking, not to mention the character’s main plot line from the book made his character flat and almost pointless. I don’t know… it just bugged me.
Random thoughts about public smoking…
I also went to an outdoor rock concert and I have to say, I haven’t seen that many people smoking in one place since bars still allowed smoking. Apparently my roommate and I were standing in the smoking section. Well actually, there really was no such thing but it felt like everyone was smoking. She was getting really annoyed by it and I was just getting turned on. Not to mention, I got a huge urge to ask the girls next to me who were smoking B&H menthol lights for a cigarette. I didn’t… but part of me wanted to. In some ways I would love to “come out” to more people so that I can have the occasional cigarette and not have it be as big of deal. Which leads into the next topic I want to talk about…
More Random Thoughts about Renting and Smoking…
The place I had initially found fell through so I have once again been looking for a place to live. So I revisited whether to get a smoking apartment or to not get one and while I did not explicitly set out to find a smoking- friendly apartment it looks as thought that is what I am probably going to get. This both excites and frightens me a little, but I honestly doubt I will be smoking that much inside since my boyfriend will probably be over a lot of the time. It has a balcony too though which is appealing… I’m glad in the sense that I know no one will think twice about me lighting up and that I have the option to should I choose to do so. I like that I have the option to, even if I do not choose to exercise that option. But the more I think about it, what are the chances I don’t smoke at all if I am in a place where it is permitted? Slim to none seeing as I still managed to sneak away for cigarettes whilst living in my non-smoking abode. That said, I’m sure nothing will beat the thrill of smoking in my apartment or even on the balcony of my new apartment. I can’t wait.
I will confess: I watch girls smoke on YouTube. I cannot remember how I discovered searching for smoking videos on YouTube. Probably much the same way I discovered smoking fetish erotica, by stumbling upon in some random search. I tend to be a very picky consumer though. There is tons of crap on YouTube because anyone can put it up and as far as smoking videos go, I really really hate staged, overtly sexual videos. As soon as girls really try to make smoking seem sexy, I think: ewww. I no longer find it sexy. I think this is why I prefer erotica to the videos, because scenes described in stories can play out any way you want them to.
I prefer videos with natural sound and if the girl is interesting and articulate, I like it if they just smoke and talk naturally in the video. I found this girl named Eugenia and developed an instant crush on her. Her YouTube username is fusswhip and I love her because… well the thing is I can’t quite put my finger on it. She’s cute, that is one thing. She reminds me of Ellen Page. I guess there is something I find so sexy about the way she smokes. She occasionally does videos catering to people with the fetish. I’m pretty sure she accidently stumbled upon the community when she posted her first video where she smokes, but I could be wrong. I think part of her appeal is how natural she looks. She rarely is very made-up and even her pure smoking videos are not too staged for me, even though I know she is making a “smoking video”. Lately her post have been more video blog in nature with her smoking and just talking about her life. Her lighting isn’t always that great because she is not set up for it. I would recommend videos, but I think it would be better to just go peruse the collection. Plus, I’m not sure anyone will like her as much as I do. I really, really want her to do a video where she talks about how she started and all those other fun things while smoking. Those for me are the best stories.
Also, if anyone has been reading the one and only story I posted, I posted the third chapter. I’m not sure where to take it from there, but I am slowly but surely working on it. It is pure fluff and the main character has tons of me in it, but I may remind you is completely fictional.
